The Glimpse
by bevfan
Summary: On the eve of Voyager's first anniversary back home, Q decides to give Kathryn Janeway a gift. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

The Glimpse

 _Written for the 2015 VAMB Secret Summer Exchange for Myu, who wanted anything J/C._

 _A great big thank you to PiOneOneZero for betaing and for her encouragement._

 _This story is based on the 2000 movie, The Family Man._

Kathryn hummed as she stepped out of her bubble bath and toweled off. It had been an absolutely wonderful day. Tomorrow was the first anniversary of Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant and the next few days were packed to the brim with a mix of celebratory events. Today, however, had been relaxed and unscheduled. Kathryn had wandered throughout the hotel with her mother, spending time with every former crewmember she found. Her promotion to the admiralty ten months ago had kept her too busy traveling throughout the quadrant to have much in the way of a social life and it had been so lovely to check up on her people and see for herself how well they were doing. The evening had ended with a raucous dinner in the hotel restaurant and now it was time to unwind.

She slipped a blue silk negligee over her head and gazed at her reflection with satisfaction. As busy as she was, she was able to carve out time for exercise and a little relaxation each day and the results were spectacular, not only physically, but also mentally. She had given up trying to get any exercise, or really any time to herself at all, on Voyager. Even something as simple as a bubble bath was liable to be interrupted by a red alert... or a certain omnipotent pest. But that was all behind her now. She left the bathroom thinking of getting into bed with her book and maybe calling room service for some wine.

"No need to call, Kathy dearest, I already anticipated your needs. Look, Jean-Luc's finest! Come and join me. This is a much nicer bed than the one you had on Voyager. These sheets won't be giving me a rash."

Kathryn froze and then sighed in exasperation. Q, dressed in a silk robe and with a wine bottle and glasses next to him, was spread out on her bed, stroking the empty spot next to him in what he must have thought was a seductive manner.

"I don't suppose my comm badge will work if I try to call for security."

"It won't. Oh, and don't bother yelling for your mother or any of your former crew. I've temporally displaced your room and there's no way for you to contact anyone. Now, don't dilly dally. There isn't anything you can do, so just give in and enjoy yourself. Let's have our own reunion."

He poured wine into a glass and held it out to her. Well, he had a point. She couldn't get away from him and maybe now that she didn't have the stress of Voyager hanging over her head, it might actually be interesting to spend time with him. She went back into the bathroom and pulled on her robe. Q scowled when she returned and he saw her quickly tying the robe shut.

"Why even bother wearing something like that if you're not going to let anyone see you in it?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but I like to feel like a woman every now and then."

She perched on the edge of the bed and took the glass of wine.

"A toast to you, Kathy. No one believed you would do it, but you got your ship home. "

Kathryn frowned.

"Oh no, not to me. Let's drink to Admiral Janeway. She's the one who really got us home."

"If you're going to split hairs like that, then you should drink to me. It was my padd that sent you to that nebula in the first place, you know."

"I actually suspected that, although a simple wormhole would have been even better. All right then, a toast to you."

Kathryn took a sip. It was very nice wine. She emptied the glass and watched in delight when it refilled itself.

"That's some trick. Let's see you do it again. "

The glass refilled itself several times and eventually, Kathryn sprawled out on the bed next to Q, relaxed and content as she listened to him talk about his son.

"It sounds like he's come a long way. Why doesn't he pop in, too? I'd like to see him again."

"Another time. Tonight is just for us. Now, tell me about you! Do you enjoy being an admiral or are you secretly pining away for Voyager?"

Kathryn frowned at her empty glass and smiled when it refilled. She was feeling so light and free now.

"Pine for Voyager? Ha! Let me tell you, being an admiral is so much better. I can do just about anything I want and no one tells me I'm being reckless or that my plan is all wrong. Everyone respects me and you know what?"

She waited for Q to respond. He raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"I don't have to read any more reports about leola root shortages or leola root recipes or leola root growing cycles ever again. I care for Neelix, I really do, he contributed so much to Voyager, but his obsession with leola root was a little too much to handle." Kathryn shook her head and took a hearty swig of her wine. "Another good thing about being an admiral is that I don't get called to the bridge or astrometrics or wherever at three in the morning. I get so much more sleep now. It's really done wonders for my stress levels. And I have two aides who do my paperwork for me. One of them even grinds coffee beans for me every morning. That's the other great thing!" She jabbed Q's shoulder to emphasize her point. "No one nags me about how much coffee I'm drinking. I can drink as much as I want. Just like this lovely, lovely wine."

She watched the level of the wine in her glass rise.

"Well, I'm relieved you're doing so well, Kathy. Junior was of the opinion that you were too attached to your ship and crew and that I would find you alone and moping."

"Hardly."

"You are alone, though. It's strange, isn't it? I wonder…"

"You wonder what?"

She waved her empty glass at Q and it magically refilled itself.

"Whatever happened with that dull first officer of yours? Boring man, about as interesting as Riker—that wasn't a compliment, by the way—absolutely nothing remarkable about him, but you always seemed so inexplicably fond of him."

"Chakotay? He's around somewhere. In his room, I guess. He's just a few doors down the hall."

"But I don't understand. Why isn't he here with you?"

"Why would he be here with me? It's late and we've got a busy day tomorrow. There's a breakfast buffet first thing in the morning. Why are you even asking about him? You never liked him."

Kathryn tugged at her robe, feeling very warm and annoyed by Q's questions. Just as annoyed as she had been by Chakotay's behavior at dinner. He had also found the time to exercise over the past ten months—the evidence was hard to miss, not that she cared—and his black hair had shone under the restaurant's lights showing that he obviously took his hair pigmentation treatments seriously. Seven had watched Chakotay with interest. She had broken up their short romance during the debriefings, but Kathryn thought it was possible she was reconsidering that choice. The young and attractive server who kept bringing bottles of wine to the table had also given Chakotay admiring glances. Chakotay had preened, aware of all the female scrutiny and enjoying the attention. It had all been quite sickening.

"No reason. I was just curious. Here, have some more wine." Q watched her drink and gave her a speculative look. "I'm feeling very magnanimous tonight, Kathy. I think you deserve a present for getting Voyager home. What would you like?"

"A present? For doing my duty? I don't think so. Besides, this wine has been perfect. Nothing else is necessary."

"I insist! I want to give you a present. No one ever turns down a present from a Q. It simply isn't done."

"Well, I'm not anyone, in case you didn't notice."

"That's certainly true. I wouldn't grace you with my presence if you were. Now, I simply must insist on giving you a present. What will it be? What do you want? To travel across dimensions and times and see things no other mortal has ever even imagined? To live forever and never grow old? Think of everything you could accomplish with literally all the time in the universe. Perhaps a dog of your own. That's another strange thing. Why haven't you found yourself another mangy mutt to keep you company? "

"Pets are a huge responsibility and I just can't take that on right now. I've been too busy. I really don't want anything at all. I have everything I want. Voyager is back home and all of my people are doing well. I'm an admiral and I love it. What more could I possibly want?"

Q gave her a long, penetrating look. Kathryn shivered and gulped some more wine.

"Since you won't tell me, I'll choose for you. You've brought it on yourself. 'What more could I possibly want?'" he mimicked. "I'll show you exactly what."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

But he was gone, just as abruptly as he had arrived. Kathryn still held the wine glass in her hand, but it stayed empty when she drained it. She set it on her nightstand and stumbled her way to the bathroom. Afterward she climbed back into bed and thought about Q's visit. He was as incomprehensible as ever and gave her as many headaches as a mind meld with Tuvok—no use in trying to make sense of anything he said. She grabbed her book and settled into bed, enjoying the luxuriousness of the satin sheets. The hotel was definitely pulling out all the stops for the Voyager crew. She read until her eyes grew heavy and the book slipped from her hand.

Kathryn woke feeling refreshed, but kept her eyes closed, already thinking about the significance of the date. One year ago today Miral Paris had been born, a future version of Kathryn had sacrificed herself to the Borg, and Voyager had burst out of a Borg sphere and sailed triumphantly to Earth. It was going to be a busy day. Kathryn knew she should get out of bed and get ready for the breakfast buffet before her mother came searching for her, but she wanted to think about Admiral Janeway a little more. She stiffened when a heavy arm draped itself across her midsection. _That rotten Q, I'll murder him. If he gets in my bed one more time..._ At the same time that she thought this, she felt the familiar sensation of Voyager dropping out of warp. She fought against the arm, struggling to sit up and opened her eyes to a dark room with an eerily familiar viewport showing pinpricks of stars.

"It's all right, sweetheart. Remember, B'Elanna was going to do some maintenance this morning and take the ship out of warp. Lie back down, it's early and we can still sleep a little longer."

It wasn't Q at all. It was _Chakotay_ in her bed and he was attempting to pull her against him. Kathryn managed to get away from him and fell to the floor, hopelessly tangled in the sheets.

"Computer, lights!"

The sudden brightness forced her to squint, but she was easily able to recognize her bedroom on Voyager. Chakotay was still lying in her bed, bare chested, and with his eyes closed.

"Why'd you turn on the lights?" he mumbled. "We still have time. Come here."

One hand reached out to pat the spot where she had just been. Kathryn scrambled up, her heart beating wildly in her chest. That filthy rotten Q had sent her back to Voyager. She should have known he was up to something, but why the hell was Chakotay in her bed?

"Just what do you think you're doing here, Chakotay?" she demanded sharply.

"Trying to sleep and you're not helping."

He didn't move or open his eyes, remaining flat on his back, and Kathryn gave him a thorough visual examination. This was not the Chakotay who had been so smug at dinner the night before. The Chakotay in her bed was clad in boxers and she could clearly see that he had a gut. Not only that, but there were visible silver strands sprinkled throughout his black hair. No, this was not the vain Chakotay who had flirted with the young waitress and then checked to see both Kathryn's and Seven's reactions.

Kathryn glanced around her bedroom. It was definitely her Voyager bedroom, but just as with the Chakotay in her bed, there were visible differences. The room was smaller with the location of the interior walls having been changed for some reason. And it was messy. Chakotay's uniform was tossed on the floor. One of his boots was laid on its side next to the uniform, its mate nowhere to be found. Stacks of padds and books littered the nightstand and the surrounding floor. There was a pile of presumably dirty clothing near the clothing refresher. Just what was Q playing at, sending her to this altered version of her quarters with an altered Chakotay in her bed? She reached up to rub the bridge of her nose and noticed the wedding band on her ring finger. Chakotay was wearing a matching ring and Kathryn groaned.

"Really, Q? This is ridiculous. Send me back!"

"Shh."

With that, Chakotay rolled over onto his side and curled into the fetal position. Kathryn placed her hands on her hips, noticing that she was wearing an old shirt of Chakotay's and pajama pants, a far cry from the sexy blue silk negligee she'd worn last night. She tried to calm herself and think through the situation logically. Q had appeared in her hotel room and had offered her a present, which she had refused. Clearly, he had dumped her back on Voyager—a messy Voyager with a messy Chakotay who was presumably her husband. This was Q's present? The bedroom door slid open and Kathryn turned around, ready to let Q have it, but it wasn't Q at the door. A young girl with long black hair entered the room carefully leading a chubby baby in with her, the baby holding her finger tightly as it followed her into the room.

"Hi Mommy," the girl said with a smile. The baby gurgled happily, a grin and two dimples appearing.

"You woke the kids up," Chakotay mumbled. "I'm so tired."

Kathryn bit her lower lip to keep from screaming for Q. Instead, she headed for the closet. While she rummaged for a clean uniform, the girl climbed into the bed, hauling the baby up after her.

"I'm hungry! I want French toast for breakfast. Can I replicate it? I know how to do it. Neelix showed me."

Uniform in hand, Kathryn rushed for the dresser, grabbed a bra out of the top drawer and then ran into the bathroom where she found that Q had been quite thorough. Her hair, which she had been attempting to grow out, was once more a bob, and her slender frame was now filled out, especially the breasts. She dressed as quickly as she could and returned to the bedroom.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! I'm hungry! So is Teddy. We want French toast!"

Where the hell were her boots? There was one, partially under the bed.

"Don't be so loud, honey. And you know we'll eat whatever Neelix made for breakfast."

Chakotay sat up and rumpled the girl's hair, then pulled the baby into his arms. "Do you mind if I shower first, Kathryn? I've got an early meeting with Dalby and I've got to get to the gym. My physical is tomorrow and the Doctor's going to have a field day."

Chakotay sighed and poked at his gut. Kathryn had finally found socks and boots and in a moment she was ready.

"Did you hear me? Kathryn?"

She was already at the bedroom door and didn't bother to answer or to even look around the living room as she raced through it. She received only the general impression of changed dimensions and more clutter, but the hallway and turbolift looked as she remembered them.

"Bridge!" She paced around the turbolift. "Computer, what is the stardate?"

The computer responded with exactly the date it should be—the date of Voyager's first anniversary and also Miral's birthday.

"Computer, what is Voyager's current location?" It took a moment for the coordinates to sink in. She shook her head and swallowed hard. Maybe she hadn't heard right. "Computer, based on our current course, how many light years are we from Earth?"

"Approximately fifty thousand light years."

Kathryn leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. Q had done this to her deliberately because she had told him how happy she was to be away from Voyager. This was what came of trying to hold a simple conversation with that sociopathic bastard. What had she ever done to deserve his bizarre obsession with her? The turbolift stopped and Kathryn instantly straightened and stepped onto her bridge. She had last been here ten months ago when she had officially been relieved of command and it looked just as she remembered. The night shift was still manning the bridge with Harry in command and sitting in her chair. Seven was at her own station, but there was a stranger next to her—a tall man with facial cybernetic implants and dressed in a skin tight suit similar to Seven's. She realized this was Axum, the Borg drone who had been Seven's first love within Unimatrix Zero. Kathryn stared at him until Harry caught her attention.

"Captain!" Harry began to rise, but she held up a hand.

"As you were. I'll be in my ready room."

Harry sat down and Kathryn entered her ready room—her sanctuary—in relief. She paused as the doors swished shut behind her and stared at the changes she hadn't been expecting. The furniture was the same, with the addition of a playpen near the desk, but most of Kathryn's decorative items were either gone or placed out of reach. Thankfully, it was at least neat here, not the cluttered mess her quarters were. She placed her hands on her hips.

"Q! Show yourself this instant! Q! Send me back now!"

Nothing happened and she began pacing the length of the room, shouting for Q every few minutes. She stopped to examine a picture on her desk—Chakotay with his arms around her bulging pregnant belly, both dressed in finery, rice in their hair—a wedding picture. She picked it up and tossed it into the playpen, then headed to request coffee from the replicator. The first sip made her wince. A year of having the real thing again had spoiled her.

"Not so good, is it Kathy? But you survived on it for seven years and you'll adapt to it again."

She whirled around to find Q sitting on the couch, feet propped on the coffee table, smiling at her impudently. Kathryn hurled the coffee cup into the replicator and rounded on Q. He remained unperturbed as she stood menacingly over him.

"Don't blame me. You brought this on yourself when you told me you didn't want anything."

"But I didn't want anything! I told you, I was happy being home and being an admiral. The very last thing I would ever want is to be in the Delta Quadrant again. Do you have any idea how repugnant it is for me to be here again? After everything I did, all the sacrifices I made, all the losses..." Kathryn cut herself off and bit her lip to keep from saying anything else. No, she would not let herself shed a single tear in front of Q. "Send me back to San Francisco immediately. They're going to discover I'm missing at any moment. I don't want anyone to worry, especially my mother."

"She won't. She knows exactly where you are—here on Voyager. And anyone else who would miss you is right here with you."

"What do you mean? Just what the hell do you mean?"

"This is your reality now. I've wiped out the time line Admiral Janeway created when she helped you bring Voyager home early. No one except for you is aware of the change. They'll think you're crazy if you try to tell them, so don't waste your breath." He smiled at her smugly. "One of the advantages of being a Q is that I can bend the space time continuum to see how differently events play out when people make seemingly insignificant choices. You're a family woman in this new reality. You made one little choice that opened entirely different pathways."

"You can't do that! That's incredibly selfish and—and unethical. We were home and you threw us back out here! You can't do this to us. You change everything back this instant."

"Well, I suppose it is slightly unethical," Q mused, examining his fingernails. Kathryn repressed the urge to kick him in the crotch. "So was giving you that padd. Funny how you didn't complain about ethics then. I'm certain, though, that what I've done is definitely about as ethical as you changing the timeline in order to get Voyager home early."

She was going to murder him, she truly was. The rage building within her was greater than it had been toward Ransom and she stood there, hands clenched into tight fists, trying to think of a way to force Q to do what she told him. He glanced up from his fingernails and raised his eyebrows.

"Your face is literally the same color as your uniform. That can't be healthy. Calm yourself, dearest Kathy. I'm giving you a glimpse. Not many people ever get this chance. Do you realize you're only the second human to ever receive one? Jean-Luc is the other person, so you can consider yourself to be in good company."

"A glimpse? So this is temporary then."

"I didn't say that, but who can say what will happen?"

"You can, since you're the only one in this room who can tamper with the space time continuum."

"You do have a point there. Yes, this is temporary, but for how long is entirely up to you. I'll restore your timeline once you've fully experienced this one. There's something I want you to learn. You helped me with my son and now I'm helping you. Trust me, you're going to thank me for this eventually. Well, I have to get back to the Continuum. That son of mine..." Q chuckled lightly and winked at her. "Parenthood is a constant adventure. Let me give you one word of advice. Don't ever turn your back on the little darlings."

With a flash of light, he was gone. Kathryn was still in the ready room. On Voyager. In the Delta Quadrant. Fifty thousand light years from home. She covered her mouth with her hand to keep herself from screaming and stared in horror at the playpen.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks again, PiOneOneZero!_

Kathryn came up with a plan once the initial shock was over. She was stuck here until Q deigned to reverse what he had done. At least she knew this wasn't a permanent change. She would go along with this absurdity and become Voyager's captain again. What other choice was there? But she would tell Chakotay that this life on Voyager was all Q's doing. _Why_ had he created a reality in which she was married and had children with Chakotay while still captaining Voyager? It was quite simply ridiculous and she shook her head in exasperation. Q was incomprehensible and it was pointless to make any sense out of his actions. Her time would be better spent trying to think of how to explain it all to Chakotay. Q's proclamation that her crew would think she was crazy weighed heavily on her. She couldn't risk Chakotay or the Doctor removing her from command if they decided she was delusional. The very thought of losing control of Voyager, no matter how much she despised being here again, was enough to make her panic. Her explanation to Chakotay would have to be handled carefully and delicately.

She paced, considering the best wording to use, when Chakotay entered without bothering to ring the door chime. He raised his eyebrows at her and Kathryn stood still, placing one hand on her hip.

"Chakotay, I'm glad you're here. There's something I need to tell you."

"I hope it's to explain why you ran out of our quarters like a bat out of hell this morning. It was your turn to get the kids ready and you know it. I had to do everything by myself. I ended up canceling my meeting with Dalby and missed going to the gym because I was so late."

"Well, yes, I'll explain that." Kathryn tapped a foot as she thought about how to proceed. "It's difficult to explain, but this—" she waved a hand to encompass the entire ready room— "this life, this reality, is wrong. We shouldn't still be in the Delta Quadrant and we definitely—" she gave a wry little chuckle— "shouldn't be married. We should have returned to Earth a year ago. Last night, I—"

Chakotay sighed and interrupted.

"Not this again. We haven't made it home yet. So what? It's only been eight years. We've made excellent progress and you will get us home, no one doubts that. In the meanwhile, everyone on board feels that Voyager is our home. We're all living full lives and we're satisfied. I don't know why you can't be the same."

"You're not listening. A year ago today—"

"You know what, there isn't any time for this right now. I came in here to see what was keeping you. Everyone's waiting for you to show up for the morning briefing."

"Morning briefing?"

He grabbed her elbow and steered her into the briefing room. She sat in her chair resentfully, thinking about the breakfast buffet she would have been enjoying if Q hadn't interfered. She had been looking forward to the omelet bar. Chakotay opened the meeting after a moment of awkward silence when it became obvious that Kathryn wasn't going to do it. She drank in the sight of her beloved senior staff, deciding to at least enjoy seeing all of them together again. Neelix, dressed in one of his bright outfits, smiled cheerily at her. He must still be here on the ship because in this reality the Talaxian colony he had decided to join was still thousands of light years away. Along with Earth. Kathryn was instantly depressed and barely heard Neelix clear his throat and begin to speak.

"Captain, the food stores are getting low. It's time we find a planet where we can harvest or trade for supplies. I'm particularly worried about the leola root. My last crop was wiped out by that strange blight. If we don't find a new source, we'll be completely out and I just don't know what I'll do. It's so versatile and there's simply no replacement for it. The replicators just aren't capable of capturing the slight bitter essence that makes it so tasty."

Kathryn sighed and rested her chin on her hand miserably. Leola root again. Admirals didn't have to deal with leola root shortages, but here she was having to ponder where to find more of it. If Q ever showed his face again, she would find even more new uses for the versatile leola root. The Doctor nodded his head vigorously.

"The crew could also do with some shore leave. It's been months."

Seven quickly spoke up.

"We are also in need of several raw materials if we hope to—"

Kathryn waved a hand at Seven irritably. "Fine, fine. Seven, scan for suitable planetary systems. Who's next?"

She kept her chin propped on her hand and listened to the engineering report—warp drive would be back online within the hour, but they needed to find more deuterium soon.

"Add deuterium to the shopping list, Seven."

"It is already on my 'shopping list', Captain. We've been searching for the past four weeks."

"Wonderful," Kathryn muttered. "If there's one thing I've missed, it's an energy crisis, especially when it gets bad enough that we have to shut down crew quarters and sleep in the mess hall."

Everyone stared at her in absolute silence and she scowled.

"We're fifty thousand light years from home. We have no time to waste just sitting here. You're all dismissed. Get to work."

Everyone filed out except for Chakotay. He walked to her side and looked down at her.

"I'm surprised we didn't put you to sleep. You looked less than thrilled to be here."

"That would be an accurate assessment."

She contemplated trying once again to tell Chakotay the truth, but it would only be a waste of breath.

"What's wrong, Kathryn?"

"Fifty thousand light years, Chakotay. It's _unacceptable._ "

She pulled herself out of her seat, sighed once more, and marched back to her ready room. If she was going to be Voyager's captain again, then she needed to study the logs and orient herself to this new timeline.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

There was a birthday party for Miral in the mess hall that evening. Kathryn arrived reluctantly. She had spent the entire day isolated in her ready room, but she knew she needed to rejoin life on Voyager. The sooner she went along with this, the sooner Q would bring an end to it. The party had already begun and Kathryn lingered at the doors, observing the party goers. The guest of honor was cramming fistfuls of Jimbalian fudge cake into her mouth. There were six other children present. The chubby baby with Chakotay's dimples sat in a highchair next to Miral poking at his cake with a tiny fork. His name was Kolopak Edward Janeway and he was fourteen months old. The six year-old girl with long black hair who was loudly clamoring at Chakotay for ice cream was named Amelia Phoebe Janeway. Kathryn had examined the crew roster carefully. She had learned about all of the children aboard Voyager and about the six former Borg drones who had joined Voyager six months ago. She had also found that Joe Carey and Lindsay Ballard were still alive and well in this timeline. She had stared at their names for a long time before moving onto the logs.

The black-haired girl had been conceived on New Earth. Kathryn had spent the day cataloging the differences between the two timelines. Some incidents were common to both, such as the Unimatrix Zero mission and the ability to contact Starfleet through the Midas Array. The girl's existence was the first major difference, but the main divergence had occurred almost three years ago. Voyager was still so far from Earth because the Kathryn in this timeline hadn't gone through with the plan to steal a Borg transwarp coil. The stolen coil had allowed them to travel twenty thousand light years before it burned out, but this Voyager hadn't had that advantage. The mission had been deemed too "risky", what with all the children onboard and Tal Celes' high risk pregnancy at the time.

That single log told Kathryn everything she needed to know. She had lost her focus and her edge in this altered timeline because of her personal entanglements. Kathryn silently congratulated herself for avoiding those personal entanglements in her own timeline. Her self-denial and precise focus had gotten them home in seven years. It had been hard and lonely and at times she had wondered if she was making the right choice, but now she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she had been correct to maintain a professional distance from Chakotay. Perhaps this was the lesson Q meant for her to learn. It certainly was a gift to know that she had been right all along. Kathryn glanced around, half-expecting Q to pop out at her and proclaim that this bizarre scenario had reached its conclusion.

"Mommy!"

The girl spotted her and ran into Kathryn with enough force that they both nearly fell over. The baby squealed and bounced up and down in his seat.

"Oh good, you made it!"

Chakotay smiled at her before beginning to wipe the baby clean. Tom held up a plate with a piece of cake.

"I saved you a corner piece, Kathryn. It wasn't easy with all these little vultures trying to steal it, so I hope you appreciate it."

Kathryn stepped forward hesitantly, the girl tugging her over to the group at the tables. Tom called her Admiral these days, with that touch of insolence that was his specialty. He never called her Kathryn. And while her crew had always been respectful of her they had never been so—so—chummy. Billy Telfer pulled out a chair for her near the babies while Tom plunked her cake in front of her. B'Elanna turned from Miral to speak to her.

"We were wondering what you were up to. What kept you so busy? This is quiet space right now." She took a bite of cake and continued, not waiting for Kathryn's response. "You know, I was thinking about what you said at Teddy's birthday. It really does feel like more of a celebration for me instead of for Miral. I survived the first year with her!"

Kathryn nodded her head. It was rather difficult to hear B'Elanna over the girl's renewed clamoring for ice cream.

"Be patient, Millie. I've got to take care of Teddy first," Chakotay said. He finished cleaning the squealing baby and hauled him out of the high chair. "There. All clean and now you can go see Mommy."

The baby was unceremoniously plopped onto Kathryn's lap and she stiffened, unsure of what to do with it. The baby hugged her and settled against her, one thumb in his mouth while the other hand reached up to rub her cheek. Chakotay scooped ice cream onto the girl's plate and she began eating, giggling at the boy seated next to her. The forehead ridges and bright blue eyes gave his identity away—Neil Paris, Tom and B'Elanna's four year-old son. They had come together as a couple much more quickly in this timeline.

"B'Elanna, I want to run an idea by you. I was in my ready room examining the data the former Borg have provided and I see a promising possibility there."

If Kathryn was going to make the trek through the Delta Quadrant a second time, then she was going to give her crew every possible advantage, beginning with the ablative generator technology Admiral Janeway had brought back with her from the future. Kathryn planned to pretend that the idea had come to her after studying the knowledge of the former Borg drones who had joined Voyager in the aftermath of the Unimatrix Zero mission.

"Sure, what is it?"

"I have an idea for a new type of armor for Voyager, something that will make us almost impregnable."

"Really?" B'Elanna leaned closer to Kathryn, her interest piqued.

"Yes, the armor would be based on-"

"Uh oh, Mommy, you have to go in the naughty chair! Daddy, Mommy has to go in the naughty chair!"

The girl pointed at Kathryn across the table and everyone turned to stare at her.

"Let me take care of it," Chakotay rumpled the girl's hair and smiled at Kathryn. "Were you talking ship's business, Kathryn? Tell the truth."

"I was discussing something important with my chief engineer, Commander."

The children were giggling and the adults were suppressing their amusement badly. Kathryn glared at them all, resenting the interruption of her conversation with B'Elanna.

'Well, it looks like we've caught you violating your very own regulation—no ship's business allowed at family events. The baby's asleep, so I'll allow you to stay in your own chair this time."

Chakotay strode to the back of her chair and pulled it away from the table so that she was separated from the group, the baby nestled against her and sucking his thumb in his sleep.

"No talking for five minutes or you can't get out of the naughty chair, Mommy!"

Did that child _always_ screech everything at the top of her lungs? Kathryn wanted very much to rub the side of her neck, but she couldn't figure out how to extricate an arm out from under the baby without disturbing him. Chakotay leaned over the back of the chair to whisper in her ear.

"Be on your best behavior or I may have to continue my discipline tonight after the kids go to bed."

He briefly licked her earlobe with the tip of his tongue and Kathryn felt herself blush bright red. That quick touch and Chakotay's hot breath in her ear... but this wasn't real, she reminded herself. Just a figment of Q's imagination. She immediately pushed away the thought of how her body had reacted to that two second encounter and instead fumed at being separated from B'Elanna. It was no wonder that Voyager was still wandering through the Delta Quadrant if she wasn't allowed to talk about engineering issues with her chief engineer.

By the end of the party, Kathryn was suffering from a full-fledged stress headache. She hadn't had one of those since the debriefings. Chakotay squeezed Kathryn's bottom as they entered the turbolift. He did it absently, as if he had every right to manhandle her. She moved away from him and decided that she would force him to listen to her entire tale as soon as the children went to bed. He couldn't continue thinking that she was his wife and the mother of his children. The girl chattered loudly all the way back to their quarters while the baby, energized by his short nap, insisted on walking by himself. She thought longingly of slipping into a hot bath, but the children were the ones who got to enjoy Kathryn's bathtub—the girl first and then the baby. Chakotay bathed them while Kathryn took refuge at her desk in the cramped living room. She could see now that her quarters had been rearranged to create two tiny bedrooms for the children. Her quarters, which she had always kept tidy and pristine, were cluttered with toys and clothing. A small shoe sat on the desk next to her computer. She contemplated getting up and gathering all of the offending items, but she wanted to get her ideas into the computer and off to B'Elanna as soon as possible. She had only been working for a little while when Chakotay settled the baby in her arms. The girl climbed onto the couch and began playing with her dolls.

"They're all yours. I'm off to the gym. I'm going to meet Dalby there and get a little counseling in while I'm at it, since I missed our meeting this morning."

"What? But I'm working. This is important. In fact, I think I'll go to the ready room to-"

"No, you won't. Quit obsessing like this. We'll get home when we get home. Poring over old logs the way you did all day today isn't going to help at all."

"How do you know what I did today?" Kathryn demanded. The baby jumped at the tone of her voice, looking up at her face quickly. Kathryn instinctively rocked him to soothe him.

"I checked. It's my job as your first officer. Now, please do your mental health a favor and quit torturing yourself. Relax with the kids and I'll see you in an hour. We'll do some relaxing of our own." He waggled his eyebrows at her, quickly kissed the top of the baby's head, and did the same to the girl as he passed her. "Good night, Millie. Listen to your mother and go to bed. Love you."

He was gone. He was good at disappearing like that, Kathryn thought bitterly. It was just like the debriefings when he had been so besotted by Seven that he had barely given Kathryn the time of day. Everything had been so mixed up since the moment Voyager exited the Borg sphere. One moment, her goals and her duties had been clear, the next, her ship was no longer her own and her crew had been scattered. The debriefing panel lauded her one day for her command decisions and excoriated her on the next day. A court-martial had felt more likely than the sudden promotion to the admiralty she ended up receiving. And Chakotay had been so caught up in his relationship with Seven that she hadn't been able to talk to him about any of those things. Kathryn would never admit it to anyone, not even under threat of torture, but she had secretly been delighted when Seven abruptly dumped Chakotay and left him looking like a fool. It had served him right for being such a terrible friend.

Well, she hadn't needed him anyway. She had done just fine for herself over the past year. Not many humans made admiral by the age of forty-three—she was only the second in the history of Starfleet—and she had accomplished so much in the ten months she had held the rank. One planet brought into the Federation, another just on the brink of entering, three trade disputes successfully resolved, and one interstellar war ended. Not bad at all. The baby began whimpering and tugging at Kathryn's uniform jacket. She realized she had no idea what she should do to get these children to bed and she looked at the girl speculatively, remembering that Chakotay called her Millie.

"Millie?" The girl looked up from her dolls. "It's bedtime. You go along to bed now. I have work to do."

She found the baby's room and placed him in his crib, carefully prying his fingers from the front of her jacket. The baby immediately began screaming and pulled himself to a standing position, his chubby hands holding tightly to the railing. Tears poured down his cheeks and Kathryn stood uncertainly in the doorway, wincing at the pain in her chest from where he had clung to her. He must have bruised her breasts with his surprisingly strong grasp. He continued to scream and Kathryn backed out of the room. Were babies supposed to cry this much at bedtime? She caught a movement out of the corner of her eye. The girl was still on the couch playing with her dolls.

"Millie, I told you it's bedtime."

"I'm waiting for you to read me my book, Mommy. What's wrong with Teddy?"

"Nothing. He's just tired." Kathryn glanced at the door, hoping that she was telling the truth. Maybe she would go back in and peek at him in a few minutes. "Where's your book? I'll read to you and then you need to go to bed and I need to get to work."

"It's in my room by my bed where you always tell me to leave it. Let's go." She hopped down from the couch and pulled Kathryn into her bedroom. "Here it is!"

"All right. Get into bed and I'll read to you."

Kathryn pulled a small chair to the bedside and sat down, opening the book.

"No! You have to lie down with me."

The girl placed her hands on her hips and glared at Kathryn. Kathryn thought longingly of her computer and the information she wanted to send to B'Elanna.

"Fine, I'll get in bed with you." The girl clambered in under her covers and Kathryn gingerly laid down next to her. Her breasts were really aching now. "Let's see. Oh, I know this book. My mother used to read it to me when I was about your age. I just loved this book."

"No, Mommy! You can't read yet. You have to give Teddy his milk while you read to me."

Kathryn drummed her fingers on the cover of her book to keep herself from snapping at the girl.

"Teddy is in his bed trying to go to sleep. I'm going to leave him there and read to you and then I'm going to go work at my desk. Now, lie still and listen."

"But Mommy, Teddy's sad. He's crying because he wants his milk."

The baby's wails were getting louder and louder. Maybe the girl had a point.

"Fine, I'll go get Teddy and his milk."

She hauled herself out of bed and went to collect the baby. The crying stopped as soon as he was in her arms, but the occasional sob wracked his body as she made her way to the replicator. She searched through the replicator's history and selected something called "Teddy's milk". A small cup with two large handles and a spouted lid materialized. It was filled with warm milk and Kathryn headed back to the girl's bed. She grimaced as she laid down for the second time and the baby rested his head against her sore breast. Maybe she needed to pay the Doctor a visit. Who knew babies were strong enough to inflict bodily harm?

"All right, now I'll read to you and then you can both go to sleep and I can get to work. Here, take your cup."

She handed the cup to the baby and he took a drink from it while she opened the book.

"Let's see. Where are you? Oh, this is my favorite part. Did you know that the park Becky visits on the Moon is an actual location? There's a statue of her and her dog right in the middle. I went with my family to visit it one summer. We played leap frog just the way Becky and Boots do in the book."

Kathryn's reminiscence was interrupted by the baby throwing his cup against the wall. He began fussing and pulling at her jacket.

"Why did you throw your cup?"

Kathryn was getting exasperated and pulled the baby's hands away from her chest. She was too tired get out of bed yet again.

"Millie, you go get Teddy's cup."

"But he doesn't want it. He wants you to give him his milk. You know that, Mommy. During the day he drinks his sippy, but at night you give him his milk so he can go to sleep."

The girl pointed at Kathryn's chest and the pieces suddenly fell into place. She shot out of the bed leaving the baby next to his sister.

"Q! You show yourself this instant! This is going too far!"

The baby burst into tears and the girl sat up eagerly.

"Is Uncle Q coming to visit again? He brought me a pony last time. I want a puppy this time. I'll name him Boots."

The girl continued talking at the top of her lungs so that she could be heard over the baby's screams, but Kathryn ignored them both and paced the small bedroom. This was simply too much. They weren't her children and this wasn't her ship—it was all Q's fantasy and she wasn't putting up with any of it any longer. She scooped up the baby and settled him into the crib with his cup of milk. If he was really hungry, then he would eventually give up and drink out of the cup. She yanked the blanket over the girl and tucked her in firmly.

"No more talking and no more reading. Go to sleep."

She stomped into the living room and sat down at her desk, placing her head in her hands despairingly. Her head hurt and so did her breasts. She wanted to be back in San Francisco in her quiet, spacious, and luxurious hotel room where she was an admiral and everyone listened to her and obeyed her orders, where she had complete control and could take a bath if she felt like it and traitorous first officers didn't leave her alone to take care of their children. The baby's cries were soul-shattering, every shriek and sob piercing Kathryn straight through to her heart no matter how she tried to ignore them. They briefly became louder and Kathryn got up to see what had happened. The girl had entered the baby's room and was patting him through the bars of the crib.

"Millie, I told you to go to sleep!"

"I have to take care of my Teddy Bear. Shh, it's okay. I love you. Mommy has to work, so you have to drink your sippy and go to sleep, just like when there's a red alert."

The baby was the spitting image of Chakotay, but the girl had Chakotay's tenderness. She continued to soothe the baby, although he refused to calm down. The sight of Kathryn only made him cry even more. She didn't want to be drawn into these children's lives. They weren't hers—they wouldn't even exist once Q finally ended this absurdity, but she had never been able to resist helping anyone in need. That was why they had wound up lost in the Delta Quadrant and that was why Seven had entered their lives. Hell, it was why she had made the Maquis part of her crew. Kathryn stepped forward and lifted the baby out of the crib. She led Millie to her own bedroom where the sheets were still on the floor from her mad dash that morning. The three of them climbed into the bed. Kathryn removed her uniform jacket and held the baby close to her.

Of course she knew the basics of lactation. All command track officers had to learn so that they could support any lactating crewmembers under their command. She had also been around enough breastfeeding women in her life. Some of her earliest memories were of lying in bed with her mother while she nursed her baby sister Phoebe, but actually doing it herself was quite different from knowing the basics. Just how was she supposed to...dock the baby? She should have paid more attention the day before when B'Elanna had nursed Miral in the hotel lobby. But B'Elanna had brought up Chakotay and mentioned how lonely he had been ever since Seven broke up with him. Kathryn had rolled her eyes because there Chakotay was in plain view of both of them, standing at the desk and flirting with the clerk while he checked in. She hadn't thought to watch exactly how B'Elanna had initiated the breastfeeding procedure, distracted as she had been by Chakotay waving at her and B'Elanna and then turning to give the clerk his soft little grin while he ducked his head.

Kathryn laid down on her side, remembering her mother and Phoebe. The baby apparently approved of this position. He laid down against her and eagerly tugged at her uniform shirt. She pulled it up, realizing the bra was designed for nursing women, and marveled at how hard and large her breast was. She shouldn't have worried because the baby knew exactly what he was doing. He latched on and immediately began sucking, looking up into her eyes and holding her uniform shirt with one hand.

What a truly bizarre experience.

He was a curious little thing. Every few minutes he pulled away to look around the room or to see what his sister was doing. Kathryn knew enough to eventually roll him over with her so that he could nurse from the other breast. He fell asleep, his warm body completely limp and milk trailing from a corner of his mouth. He looked perfectly contented and Kathryn stroked his thick black hair, feeling calmer and even a little relaxed. Millie had also fallen asleep, a padd that she had picked up from the nightstand in her hand. Kathryn took it from her, intending to enter information for B'Elanna, but the children distracted her. Now that they were quiet and still, she could look them over and satisfy her curiosity. The girl strongly resembled Phoebe, especially the hair and upturned nose and the incessant chatter at the top of her lungs when she was awake. The baby was a miniature version of Chakotay. He gave a little sigh and placed his thumb in his mouth, sucking noisily as he slept.

Children. Kathryn clicked her tongue in complete exasperation. This was Q's way of getting back at her for having refused to mate with him all those years ago. She had told him she was too busy bringing her ship home and that she could never have a child with someone she didn't love. Well, she'd just have to put up with this situation for now. She wouldn't neglect these children, none of this was their fault, but when Q showed his face again... She activated her padd and buried herself in her work.

Chakotay was quite miffed to find both children in the bed when he returned from the gym.

"They'll wake up when we move them. Why did you let them fall asleep in here?" he whispered.

"I needed to work and this made them happy."

She continued to tap away at her padd, while Chakotay frowned at them.

"Well, I guess I'll take a shower while you put them in their beds."

"No, I won't. I'm working now. If you want them in their beds, you put them there."

"They have to go in their beds. There isn't any room for me."

"You can sleep in Millie's bed."

"Kathryn!" He looked both hurt and disappointed. "What have I done to make you so angry with me? You've been strange all day."

"I've been trying to tell you, but you won't listen. This isn't my life and I'm not their mother. I should be on Earth celebrating the one year-"

"Oh, forget it. You know I'll be waiting to listen whenever you decide to let me know what's really going on."

Kathryn went back to her padd, shaking her head. It was pointless trying to get him to hear her. Chakotay picked up Millie and carried her off. It took him several minutes to get her to settle down. Kathryn could hear him going to the replicator to get her water, then his soothing voice telling her a story. He returned for the baby, who startled and wailed when Chakotay lifted him from Kathryn's side. Millie popped out of bed to come running and see what was wrong with the baby. He got her back down and then went to sing to the baby, only to have Millie run through the master bedroom and into the bathroom. The shenanigans went on for quite some time and Kathryn silently congratulated herself again, this time for not having any children in her real life.

"Thanks for your help, Kathryn," Chakotay muttered when he returned to the bedroom. He stalked into the bathroom and Kathryn heard the sonic shower activate. She sent B'Elanna her proposal and opened a new document where she began outlining her thoughts. If they had ablative generators protecting the ship, then why couldn't they successfully steal another Borg transwarp coil? It would most likely last long enough to get them to the nebula where the transwarp hub still operated in this timeline. Then it would just be a matter of once more figuring out how to destroy the hub while using it to get home. There was a way to do it without having to sacrifice someone to the Borg Queen, Kathryn could feel it in her bones. She just needed to think and let the possibilities run through her mind until the right answer came to her...

"Kathryn, tell me the truth. Have I gained too much weight?"

Chakotay had emerged from the bathroom, but Kathryn hadn't bothered to tear her gaze away from her padd, completely absorbed in her machinations. Now, she did look up and her jaw dropped. Chakotay was standing completely naked in front of the mirror next to the closet examining his reflection. He practiced standing very straight and sucked in his gut, then turned to the side and did it again. She shouldn't look, she really shouldn't. Kathryn dropped her head down, completely blind to her padd, seeing Chakotay's movements out of the corner of her eye.

"Never mind. You don't have to tell me, I already know. Just watch, the Doctor's going to declare me unfit for duty and make me do extra physical conditioning. When I'll have the time for that, I don't know."

Somehow, without her meaning to, she'd raised her head to openly stare at him. She'd always—well, she was a naturally curious person. It was perfectly normal to wonder what her first officer looked like naked. Really, it was her responsibility to ensure that he was fit for duty. Oh my, he certainly looked capable enough of fulfilling all his duties. Sure, he had a gut, but he was still—more than adequate. The overall effect was very nice, especially the view from the back. And the front. Chakotay noticed her staring at him and his self-pitying frown turned into a wolfish smile. He was on the bed and straddling her in two seconds flat.

"Chakotay!"

He had gone straight for the spot on her neck that always drove her wild, one hand tugging her uniform shirt up.

"The kids are asleep and we're alone. How often does that happen? We need to be fast before there's a red alert. Computer, seal the master bedroom door."

He certainly was a fast worker, stripping her of her uniform shirt, tank, and bra in no time at all. The thought of stopping him briefly crossed her mind, only to be quickly discarded. She hadn't had sex since Mark. It was too depressing to admit how long it had been, even to herself. Why not enjoy this stolen moment that Q had gifted her? No one would ever know and she wanted him desperately. Kathryn eagerly pushed herself into Chakotay's kisses and caresses, lifting her hips so that he could pull her pants and underwear down. He paused, his breath hot and ragged as he eyed her naked body hungrily and then he smiled at her tenderly and sweetly.

"I love you, my Kathryn. My sweet, beautiful, brave Kathryn. I love you so much. My wife, my heart."

He rested a hand between her breasts, feeling her heartbeat, the love clearly shining out of his eyes. When was the last time anyone had looked at her like this or touched her as if she were cherished? She had forgotten what it felt like and she looked away from him, unwilling to continue the emotional connection he had begun. He wasn't really her Chakotay and this wasn't her life. Chakotay's hand moved to turn her face so that she once more met his eyes.

"Kathryn? Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just tired. Please, let me go."

Chakotay moved off her and she reached down to grab the sheet from the floor and wrapped herself in it. She turned away from him and curled up.

"Kathryn, I wish you would talk to me." After a moment's silence, he sighed. "I guess I'll go work on the crew evaluations in the living room and let you rest. I love you. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."

He kissed the top of her head gently and she heard him pulling on clothes before he unsealed the door and left.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

_Many thanks to PiOneOneZero for the suggestions and for helping me get rid of all of my repetitions and extra spaces!_

Kathryn awoke the next morning with Chakotay's arm lying possessively across her and sighed in disappointment. She had harbored a slight hope that she would wake up back in her beautiful San Francisco hotel room instead of these messy quarters. Well, it was a new day and there was the challenge of figuring out how to steal a Borg transwarp coil to look forward to. She was actually eager to report to the bridge, get to work plotting out exactly what she needed to do, and decide how much she should let the rest of the crew know. She hopped out of bed and rushed to the sonic shower, planning to sneak off before Chakotay or the children woke up. She was still showering when Chakotay poked his head in. She jumped, completely startled by his intrusion, and Chakotay grinned, staring at her breasts.

"I've got to go to my physical right now, so have a good day. Enjoy yourself and I'll see you tonight."

That sounded as if Chakotay wasn't going to be on the bridge. Good, it would be much easier for her to plan without having him breathing down her neck. She couldn't wait to see what B'Elanna thought of her proposal for the ablative generators. The children were both awake by the time she was dressed in her uniform, and she was relieved to find that the baby did indeed accept a freshly replicated cup of milk instead of demanding to be breastfed. She would be able to get to the bridge that much faster.

"Mommy, is it quiet space today?" Millie demanded.

"Yes, it is, and a good thing too. I've got a lot of plans for today. Now, hurry and get dressed so we can get to the mess hall."

"Okay!"

Millie's hair was thick and tangled, just like Phoebe's, but Kathryn managed to braid it neatly and soon they were on their way to the mess hall. Millie skipped and sang tunelessly while the baby insisted on walking by himself. He also insisted on feeding himself, turning his head away every time she tried to give him a spoonful of the oatmeal Millie informed her he loved. She was forced to sit there, drumming her fingers on the table, while Teddy slowly fed himself with a tiny spoon. Millie ate quickly and then twirled between the tables chanting, "It's quiet space! It's quiet space!" This was apparently normal behavior for her as she only received amused glances from everyone else in the mess hall. B'Elanna rushed in with her two children and headed straight for Kathryn.

"Lieutenant, did you read the proposal I sent you? What did you think?"

"Yes, I got it, but I only had a chance to skim it. I want to go over it more thoroughly before I respond. Listen, I've got to get to engineering. I don't like the readings I'm getting now that the maintenance check is over." She glanced over at Millie. "Quiet space, right?"

"Yes." What was this odd fascination with quiet space?

"Great. Take the kids for me, will you? Tom will be there soon. Seven called him to astrometrics to go over the proposed course corrections and it shouldn't take long. Have fun!"

She shoved Miral into Kathryn's arms and left as quickly as she had come. Neil had joined Millie and now both children were chanting "Quiet space!" at the tops of their lungs. Just what was she supposed to do with B'Elanna's children? She had her hands full as it was and now she was going to be late for her shift. At least Miral accepted being spoon-fed. Neil got his own breakfast and finally they were all finished eating.

"Let's go!" Millie shouted.

She and Neil took the lead and Kathryn followed, carrying Miral on her hip while Teddy walked beside her. It occurred to her that she didn't know what the child care arrangements were for all these children, although Millie and Neil seemed to know exactly where they were going. The children led her to an entirely new room next to sickbay that hadn't existed on Kathryn's Voyager. It was a combination classroom and playroom with equipment for a range of ages. She set Miral down and watched her crawl to Teddy. The doors opened and Chell came in with his son, beaming at her.

"Quiet space! It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, have a good day."

He left as Tal Celes arrived to drop off her daughter and the truth slowly began to dawn on Kathryn.

"Millie! Come here." Millie left Neil's side and came running. Kathryn knelt down to talk to her. "Millie, who's taking care of you today?"

"You are! It's quiet space, so you get to take care of all of us today! I don't know who else is coming today. It's on the schedule."

She pointed to a padd hanging near the door.

"It's my daddy! He gets to come because it's quiet space!" Neil shouted.

Kathryn snatched the padd off the wall and quickly skimmed the details of Voyager's childcare system, while Naomi entered the room. The parents and some volunteers from the crew all took turns caring for the children with exceptions for unavoidable ship's business and they followed lesson plans taken from the ship's educational database that they tailored for the children's specific needs. The day's activities were all neatly laid out in the padd and yes, Tom Paris was the other scheduled caretaker for the day. Well, this was completely unacceptable. She was the _captain_ , not a babysitter. She didn't have time to spend a day off the bridge, not when she had a Borg transwarp coil to steal. Tom entered and greeted everyone.

"Sorry I'm late, Kathryn. Seven called me into astrometrics. She has a few promising planets coming up ahead on sensors, but it was a false alarm. Anyway, let's get started. Neil and Millie, you two get down from there. You know the tables aren't for dancing, they're for working."

He moved the two children to individual work stations and consulted with Naomi about a project. Kathryn set down the padd and eyed the door longingly, but after a moment she went to Chell's son to help him with his math. She couldn't just leave Tom alone with all of these children. In this timeline, childcare was one of her duties, so she would do it, but she shook her head in disgust. Keeping a captain from her bridge was no way to run a starship. What had the Kathryn in this time line been thinking to give birth to two children while captaining Voyager? Children with Chakotay. It was absurd.

It was a long day and by the time she reached the mess hall for dinner, Kathryn was exhausted. Chakotay met them there and she gladly dropped into her chair, letting him take over the care of the children. Her next stint in the classroom was two weeks away, if they were still in quiet space. Surely Q would change everything by then, but if he hadn't she'd come up with an idea to find him herself. She whipped out a padd and rested her chin on her hand as she scrolled through the day's reports. B'Elanna had sent her an initial assessment of her proposal. They needed more deuterium before she could even begin to think of creating the generators. Kathryn sighed. Neelix had just grumbled to her that tonight's mashed leola root was the last of his stock, along with most of the fresh vegetables, and Harry and Seven hadn't found anything promising on sensors yet. She glanced up at Chakotay, wanting to discuss the deuterium shortage, but he was too occupied with the children. Millie was telling him every single detail of the day while the baby tried to feed himself mashed leola root and peas. The peas kept sliding off his little spoon, so Chakotay would smash some into the leola root in the spoon to keep them in place every now and then when the baby wasn't looking. He was a stubborn little thing and determined to feed himself entirely independently, no matter how difficult it was. As she watched, the baby caught Chakotay putting some peas into his spoon and bellowed angrily. He threw his spoon on the floor and glared at Chakotay in outrage. Kathryn laughed.

"He looks so much like you when you're angry," she told Chakotay.

"He may look like me, but the stubborn streak and independence are all yours." He retrieved the spoon and set it on the table out of the baby's reach. "I warned you, Mr. Teddy Bear, no more spoon if you threw it again and you went and did it anyway. I'm a man of my word. You'll have to use your hands now."

"There's nothing wrong with being stubborn and independent. It's what got us-" She cut herself off and frowned. They weren't home because in this timeline she hadn't been stubborn and independent. Chakotay waited for her to finish speaking, but she went back to her padd, not wanting to look at him anymore.

"Kathryn? I didn't tell you about my physical, did I? It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but the Doctor said I have to exercise more. Let's visit the New Earth program tonight. We haven't done that in a while. I can row the boat and get some exercise and you can lie back and be a lady of leisure while the kids chase the monkey."

"The holodeck? No, I wasted the entire day away from the bridge. I have to work tonight."

"What work do you have to do? I finished all of the crew evaluations today and all of the reports for Starfleet. It's quiet space and everything is ready for the next data stream. Everyone is completing their assigned duties. I know we've got some shortages, but there's nothing we can do about them right now, so let's enjoy ourselves a little."

"I have things to do."

No one ever dared question her in her own timeline where she was an admiral. She hadn't missed this at all. Well, those last few months in the Delta Quadrant had been different. Chakotay had stopped saying much of anything to her. Too busy chasing after Seven, she supposed.

"You can spare an hour for your family on the holodeck. Soon enough, something is going to happen and you'll have to be on the bridge continually. We need to enjoy these quiet times when they come. They're what make life worth living."

Kathryn stood and grabbed her padd, feeling more than a little angry.

"No, I can't. That kind of attitude is exactly why we're still out here in the Delta Quadrant. _Fifty thousand light years!_ How could you do this to me, Chakotay? It's been eight years and we've only traveled twenty thousand light years. At the rate we're moving, these children will be older than we are right now by the time we reach Earth—if we ever do make it home. It's all your fault! If I hadn't become involved with you, I would have kept my focus and we would already be home, but you distracted me.I should have stayed far away from you. Two children? It's absurd!"

The mess hall had gone very quiet. Chakotay tugged at an earlobe, his face blank. Millie's lower lip was quivering and her eyes were growing very bright. Neelix slowly stepped forward, clearing his throat nervously.

"I'm sorry, Captain, Commander. I don't mean to intrude, but I couldn't help but notice that little Teddy here has stuffed his peas up his nose."

Kathryn and Chakotay both blinked and stared at the baby. Sure enough, his nostrils were bulging with peas. He smiled at them, but Millie burst into tears.

"My Teddy Bear! He's going to die! Call the Doctor!"

"No, he won't. He'll be fine. Look."

Chakotay patted Millie's shoulder and pulled the baby onto his lap. He gently held Teddy's head against his chest and squeezed a nostril until a pea popped out. He repeated the procedure several times. Kathryn hadn't known that human baby nostrils were capable of holding that many peas.

"I think that's all. No, there's one more. It's pretty high up. I'm not sure how to get to that one. Hmm... Millie, bring me the pepper shaker."

He carefully shook some pepper into Teddy's nose. The pea came flying out with the first explosive sneeze and Millie clapped her hands.

"You did it, Daddy! You saved my brother."

She wrapped her arms around Chakotay and the baby. Chakotay smiled down at them, looking every inch the devoted father. It hurt Kathryn to see him like that, although she couldn't explain why.

"Come here, Kathryn."

Chakotay held an arm out to her, clearly wanting to bring her into the family hug. She shook her head.

"I need to go and work. I'll see you later."

She scooped up the padd and rushed out of the mess hall, wincing when she realized how full the room was. It looked like most of the alpha shift had witnessed her outburst. She wound up in the ready room holding her padd, but not really seeing it. She was mortified by her behavior and she didn't understand why she was feeling so angry and out of control. One of the counselors at her mandatory sessions during the debriefings had warned her that she needed to stop burying her emotions and acknowledge, even if only to herself, what she was feeling.

"You are back on Earth and safe. It's no longer necessary for you to repress yourself. I don't think you realize how out of touch with your mental state you've become. It's only going to become harder the longer you continue to cut yourself off from what you're feeling, but you may be surprised at the freedom you experience when you finally face your emotions head on."

She had rolled her eyes and ended the sessions as soon as possible. Now, though, she was realizing that the counselor might have had a point. She was angry and it wasn't just because of Q. Why _was_ she so angry? She sat for a moment and tried to analyze her feelings, but shook her head and activated the computer instead. Stealing a Borg transwarp coil was much more interesting.

She didn't return to her quarters until her breasts once more became painful. Chakotay was attempting to give Teddy a sippy cup while Millie sat at the table drawing pictures.

"Mommy!" Millie ran to her and the baby practically jumped into Kathryn's arms. "Come on! Let's go to my bed. You have to read to me and give Teddy Bear his milk. He threw his cup at Daddy! He only likes you at night."

Kathryn laid down in Millie's bed and latched the baby onto her breast. Millie helped her hold the book open and she read to her about Becky's adventures on the moon with Boots, the black and white terrier. Chakotay peeked in and watched her for a moment, his face still blank. That was how he had looked at her those last months on Voyager. He was in their bedroom when she finished putting Teddy to bed. Kathryn hesitated at the door and he looked up from his book, pointing to a platter of fruit, cheese, and crackers lying on the bed next to him.

"You barely ate any dinner. Come and eat something. You need to eat if you want to maintain your milk supply."

She perched on the edge of the bed, kicking off her boots and tossing her uniform jacket on Chakotay's pile of dirty clothing. She nibbled on a slice of cheese while he watched her.

"Kathryn, we need to talk about what happened in the mess hall. Those things you said had to be an exaggeration. I've always put your needs first and I've done everything in my power to support you. I know exactly how hard you work to get this ship home and I would never interfere with your responsibilities as the captain. Do you honestly believe that I've held you back, distracted you, made you lose your focus?"

"I don't believe it. I know it for a fact." Chakotay jerked his head back, as if she had slapped him and she felt guilty. She hadn't meant to hurt him, but it was the truth. "Well, is this what you expected our lives to be, Chakotay? Decades more to go before we get home? Vulnerable to any passing alien who decides to blow us out of the sky? Trying to keep our people alive? Shortages we can't do anything about? Two children to worry about on top of all of our other responsibilities?"

"No. I didn't expect this life at all. I expected I would be killed after I joined the Maquis. I just wanted to take as many Cardassians as I could with me. Meeting you, joining Voyager—I never once expected anything like this and I never expected anyone like you. Neither of us expected Millie, but she's a gift and a reminder of our very first night together. You came to me that night and told me you loved me and we kissed for the first time, and everything changed after that moment. This life on Voyager has been so much better than anything I ever hoped or expected. I thought it was the same for you."

The first night Chakotay mentioned must have been the night on New Earth when he told her his beautiful story. She had gone to bed and stayed awake remembering the feel of his hand in hers and the look in his eyes. A dozen times she had started to get out of bed to go to him, but she hadn't had enough courage. She had always wondered what would have happened if she had gone to him. Now she knew.

He inched closer and gently, as if he expected her to turn him away, and ran a finger along her jawline. Kathryn closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. It was a mistake—this wasn't her Chakotay. He had never felt this way about her, or at least he hadn't since New Earth. They weren't even friends anymore, but she was starved for intimacy, for love. She reached up to press a kiss to his hand and then she brought it to her lap where she ran a finger along each of his fingers. She had always wanted to do this. One hand clasp on New Earth and one on the bridge just before she went to be assimilated hadn't been enough. But she couldn't do this to herself. He had to know the truth about what Q had done.

"I have to tell you something. I've been trying to tell you something important and you never let me finish talking. You tell me you'll listen, but you won't let me talk."

Chakotay pulled his hand away and she turned to look at him. He moved to sit beside her, his bare feet next to hers and he looked devastated.

"You're right. I've been telling you to talk to me, but I wouldn't listen when you tried. I'm a coward." He shook his head. "You're not happy. I'm not making you happy anymore. You're blaming me because we aren't home yet. You said it all in the mess hall tonight. I'm happy here on Voyager with you, but it isn't enough for you. I was afraid of what you would tell me. I was afraid you might say you don't love me anymore. But that's no excuse. Tell me whatever it is. I swear to you I'll listen this time."

He was sincere and Kathryn was relieved that he was finally going to listen to her. Together, they would be able to do something about all of this.

"All right, then. Q changed our timeline and these aren't our real lives. We're not married and we certainly don't have children, but we did serve together on Voyager for seven years. We finally made it back to Earth a year ago. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of our return home."

Chakotay nodded his head slowly.

"I see. Why do you think Q did this?"

"He said it was to teach me a lesson, but I think it's because he's a sadistic bastard. What did I ever do to deserve any of the bizarre things he's done to me? I've been thinking, though, about what to do if he doesn't come back soon. I came up with an idea today. It's a long shot, but if we can find a star about to go supernova, we may be able to replicate B'Elanna's and the female Q's method of entry into the Q Continuum."

"Their method of entry into the Q Continuum? That sounds intriguing. Tell me more."

"I'll break into the Q Continuum and drag him out by his ear, make him change everything back. It's a long shot, I know, but it's the best I can come up with."

"Of course." Chakotay pushed the plate of food closer to Kathryn and smiled at her, tugging at his ear lobe. "You should eat some more. Oh, I forgot to tell you. The Doctor's moved up your appointment for your physical. He wants to see you first thing in the morning. I know you can't stand going to sickbay, but you may as well get it over with. Hey, I've got a great idea! We can make a morning of it. Tom and B'Elanna can pick up the kids and I can go with you to your appointment. It'll be fun."

Kathryn scowled and got up from the bed.

"If you don't believe me and you want me to get checked out by the Doctor, then just say so. Don't use such transparent lies."

Chakotay scowled back at her. "Then don't tell me such a ridiculous story. Millie could come up with something ten times better than that. I just opened up my heart to you and told you how much you've enriched my life and in response you made up a nonsensical story. Either there's something wrong with you and the Doctor needs to figure out what it is or there's something seriously wrong with our marriage. Just tell me what it is. I'm not afraid to do whatever it takes to make you happy again. I love you, I always have, and I always will."

"Oh, forget it. I give up trying to talk to you. I'm going to take a bubble bath. It's my bathtub and I should get to use it whenever I feel like it. And I'm locking the bathroom door, so stay out. It's called privacy, Mister."

She stomped into the bathroom, shouting at the computer to seal the door. There were dozens of toys in the bathtub and she tossed them all out—dolls, animals, water and space vehicles. She started the bath water and searched her cabinets for her bubble bath. It was nowhere to be found, so she dumped shampoo into the water and climbed into the tub, sinking back and closing her eyes. How foolish to think she could tell Chakotay the truth. Q had told her no one would believe her. Now Chakotay was probably going to drag her to the Doctor or make her endure some sort of marital counseling. What she needed to do from here on out was to keep her mouth shut, fulfill her responsibilities, and wait until Q grew bored and reversed his changes.

"Mommy! I have to go potty! Let me in! Mommy!"

Little fists beat against the door and Kathryn groaned.

"Mommy!"

"Kathryn, open the door. It's an emergency. Let her in."

She glared at the door, outraged. Over the years, she had jumped out of the tub to deal with legitimate emergencies—Q, red alerts, Seven's constant need for attention, personnel issues, malfunctions, Hirogen raiding parties—the list was endless. But this was too much. A child needing the bathroom was most definitely not an emergency.

"Mommy, I have to go!"

Kathryn sighed, giving in as she recognized the desperation in Millie's voice.

"Computer, unseal the bathroom door."

Millie rushed in, jumping from one foot to another.

"I have to go, Mommy!"

"Then go."

"No. You're here. You have to leave!"

"I won't look. Just hurry and go."

"No! I can't if you're here. It won't come out if someone else is here! Hurry, Mommy!"

The jumping was becoming more frenzied and Kathryn sighed once more and got up, wrapping herself in a towel and draining the tub. She hurried and pulled on Chakotay's old shirt and her pajama bottoms as soon as he left to put Millie back in bed. Chakotay returned, got into bed next to her, and they polished off the rest of the food in silence. He took her hand in his and stroked her palm lightly with his fingertips.

"I love you, Kathryn, and that's never going to change, even if you're mad at me and won't tell me why. You're the most infuriating person I've ever met—the smartest, the bravest, the most beautiful, too—and I love you more than I can say."

Kathryn rolled her eyes and pulled her hand away.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Quiet space continued and the days slipped by with no sign of Q. Kathryn sat in her chair on the bridge, chin in her hand, and watched the stars stream by. If she were in her own timeline, the reunion would have been over by now and she would be back to work and negotiating with the Plash. But no, she was trapped on Voyager under Chakotay's watchful eyes. The Doctor had made a special house call to her ready room soon after Kathryn tried to tell Chakotay what Q had done. She was pronounced healthy and fit, much to Chakotay's consternation. He had obviously been hoping a hypospray would cure her of whatever was troubling her and now he was scrambling to find another solution.

Kathryn was firmly holding to her resolution to keep her mouth shut and endure the new timeline until Q returned, so she watched Chakotay's antics without any comment. He must have decided that she was overworked and undernourished, despite the Doctor's medical report, because he began intercepting and completing any paperwork that he possibly could. He took care of Teddy if he woke during the night and got both children ready in the morning, never once complaining about his missed gym time. He had a plate of whatever food he could scrounge up from Neelix waiting for her each night after she read to Millie and nursed Teddy. Kathryn was getting a perverse pleasure out of the whole situation. She liked watching Chakotay guess at her needs and try frantically to please her while she gave him no indication at all that she even noticed what he was doing for her. He deserved to suffer after the way he had made her suffer. Kathryn cocked her head in confusion wondering why in the world she had thought that and then dismissed the thought altogether. Chakotay was desperate to win her approval and she was in control again, just as she should be.

She had to admit, though, that it was compelling to watch Chakotay be a father. He was so good at it, patient and loving and affectionate, not at all distant the way her own father had tended to be. She observed Chakotay and Millie one evening after Teddy had gone to sleep. She was at her desk in the living room searching through the sensor readings for something that might have been overlooked. The deuterium shortage was truly beginning to worry her. Millie had been wild all evening after spending the afternoon jumping off furniture with Neil Paris. Chakotay was attempting to calm her down with his medicine bundle.

"I know to be respectful, Daddy! Let me do it by myself!"

Chakotay was sitting on the floor with Millie on his lap, his medicine bundle in front of them. He ran a hand over her hair and spoke quietly and without irritation.

"Millie, the way you just spoke to me was not respectful and neither was the way you were touching my medicine bundle. It's precious to me and it should be handled with care. Only very special people are permitted to look inside. You'll have to sit quietly on my lap and watch me open the bundle until I see that you're ready to do this by yourself."

He was patient and gentle with Millie, much more than Kathryn would have been. She rested her chin on her hand and watched Chakotay carefully open the animal skin and she recalled the day, only weeks into Voyager's journey, when Chakotay had introduced her to her animal guide. She had been struck then by how peaceful he was at heart, a far cry from the angry warrior he had later described to her on New Earth. Millie reached out to grab the bird's wing and then thought better of it, reluctantly placing her hand on her lap without having touched it.

"Millie, thank you for not handling my belongings without my permission. They are in here because they have great meaning to me and should be respected. Because you showed self-control, I'll allow you to hold the wing now."

Millie stroked it carefully, then replaced it. Chakotay allowed her to handle the other objects and Kathryn blinked in surprise when she saw Millie pick up a long length of red hair, bound together at one end with some string.

"Mommy's hair," she said and began braiding it.

Chakotay glanced up at Kathryn and winked at her.

"You know it is." He looked down at Millie. "I've told you the story of when the Kazon took Voyager and left us stranded on a planet."

"Yes! I was growing inside Mommy!"

"That's right. Let me tell you why this hair is so special that I keep it in my medicine bundle. We had to build fires to stay warm on that planet. Naomi was a little baby and she was sick and your mother was expecting you. It was very important to start a fire to keep everyone from getting cold, but I couldn't do it until I remembered that hair could be used to start a fire. Your mother had such long beautiful hair—as long as yours is now—all piled up on top of her head and she didn't hesitate at all. She pulled it down and let Harry use a rock to cut some of it off for the fire. I had to save some of it for my medicine bundle because of how much I loved your mother in that moment. Every time I hold this hair, I remember watching her lay her head down so that Harry could take it from her and I love her even more. This hair is a symbol of your mother's bravery and devotion to our crew. She gives every bit of herself, even her hair, to guide us home. That means that she can't always be with you, but she is always working hard to keep you safe."

"And Teddy."

"That's right, Teddy, too."

Chakotay kissed the top of Millie's head and gave Kathryn his soft smile. She stared at him, wide-eyed, her heart pounding. This Chakotay understood her need to devote herself to her crew. She quickly looked back at her computer screen. That only made him smile even more and later that night, when he pressed a kiss to her shoulder in bed, she didn't roll away.

The data stream was captured in the midst of all this and Neelix and Naomi delivered the crew's letters. Kathryn set aside her personal messages and opened the official Starfleet communiques first. They were depressingly similar to the messages she had received the first time around. _Voyager's not alone. We all think of you and have every confidence in you. Our scientists are doing everything they possibly can, but we have nothing new to report._ Well, perhaps she would surprise everyone by bringing Voyager home within the year. If only they could just find some deuterium, then they could build the ablative generators—Seven and Axum had added some improvements to her design and the engineering team was itching to get to work—and then Kathryn could begin to plan her heist of a Borg transwarp coil. She needed to get Tuvok home before his health worsened. She couldn't find anything about his condition in the logs, which meant he was still keeping it a secret, but she knew and she wasn't going to let him suffer. But first, they needed the deuterium. The morning briefing had been a grim affair as they discussed alternatives and she had ordered Chakotay to begin energy conservation measures to preserve their remaining deuterium supply.

She found the notification in the middle paragraph of a current events summary. The Plash had agreed to join the Federation and an admiral Kathryn had never heard of was being lauded for this notable achievement. Kathryn scowled—she had been working closely with the Plash for months and now she had lost out because she was stuck on Voyager. She stewed for a minute before getting to work responding to Starfleet.

She and Chakotay both had to stay long past their shifts to deal with the data stream and the energy conservation measures. It was very late by the time they picked up the children from Chell and Golwat. They woke them up and spent a few moments in the hallway greeting and hugging Millie and Teddy before going to their own quarters. She had learned that the children had to be given the attention they craved as soon as she and Chakotay came off duty or they would never calm down. She felt pity for the children. They obviously adored their parents, but clearly didn't spend enough time with them. It simply wasn't possible, not when their parents were the captain and first officer, not even now when they were in quiet space. She had quickly come to understand why Teddy was still breastfeeding at night, even though he was over a year old. It wasn't solely about the health benefits, but also because it was a natural and simple way for him to receive the nurturing and love he needed while also giving her a chance to spend a little time with Millie. There was no doubt about it, the captain having children on Voyager was a terrible idea and she had been right to avoid starting a relationship with anyone. So why didn't Q come back already, now that she had learned his lesson more than once?

"I got a letter from my grandma and Chell helped me answer it. Grandma showed me how to make pecan pie. I want to make it with you!"

Kathryn laid down in Millie's bed and latched Teddy on. She stroked his hair while he briefly paused to give her a sweet, dimpled, half-crooked grin.

"With me? Oh, I think that would be something fun for you to do with Neelix. He loves learning new recipes."

"No, Mommy, with you! Grandma said it's so easy anyone can do it."

"She did, huh? Well, let me see your letter. I guess I can try, although we might need to wait a little bit until we have more replicator rations."

Kathryn was more than a little anxious about the deuterium shortage, but she smiled at Millie, unwilling to worry the child. Surely Q would return before the situation got out of hand. Millie fell asleep quickly after they discussed her letter and Kathryn spent a few moments resting and touching Teddy's soft baby cheek, trying to calm her doubts before getting up and putting him in his crib. Chakotay was waiting for her in their bedroom. He had dimmed the lights and lit a candle. There was a towel on the bed and he held a small plate of reconstituted apple slices and peanut butter in his hand.

"Chakotay..." She shook her head in dismay. He hadn't tried to be physically intimate with her since the first night, although he liked to touch her often. Why now, when she was so worried about the ship? It had been enjoyable to make him jump through hoops, but she didn't have the heart anymore,

"I wanted to fill the bathroom with candles and let you have a long, hot bath, but we're restricted to sonic showers and I can't replicate bubble bath for you, so it'll have to be a massage. I already had the massage oil. Here, eat your snack and then lie down."

"You don't need to give me a massage and you shouldn't have taken the apples. We're conserving everything now."

Chakotay set the dish down and came to Kathryn's side, placing one arm around her and stroking her cheek with his other hand.

"You're entitled to those apples and peanut butter. It's doctor's orders. You need the extra calories for Teddy. And I do need to give you the massage. I can't find deuterium for you and I can't get the ship home and I can't provide anything for you or the children, but I can help you relax so that you can go back to the bridge tomorrow refreshed and ready to figure a way out of this. Let me be useful, let me contribute."

She tried to protest again, but Chakotay's earnest pleading silenced her. He truly needed to give her this massage and give her some measure of comfort, his frustration at his helplessness more than evident in the tone of his voice. She ate the apples and let him undress her. He had seen her naked more than once, after all, what with that first night and the breastfeeding and his continual need to have conversations with her when she was in the shower. She laid down on her stomach and Chakotay rubbed the oil between his hands before beginning.

He knew her body—where the tension settled and exactly how hard and how deep to massage. She didn't have to tell him what to do. He was able to tell if he was hurting her or if she wanted more just by watching her body's reactions. Kathryn closed her eyes and let herself enjoy his touch. Had Chakotay always felt this frustrated at his inability to help her when the ship had faced a crisis? She had sometimes viewed him as an annoyance, intent as she was on resolving whatever the problem was. She hadn't wanted to stop and eat a meal with him or discuss the pros and cons of a situation once she had decided on her course of action. He had never complained, just watched her with concern, voiced his objections when he thought it was necessary, and once he had saved her from murdering a man because her obsession with Rudy Ransom had swallowed her whole. It must have been frustrating to be in his shoes. Well, it had been even more difficult for her. He hadn't been the one who stranded Voyager out here and he didn't have everyone's lives on his shoulders the way she did. He hadn't been there for her once they got home when she had needed to talk to him so much. And now there were Millie and Teddy to worry about and all of the other children...

"Wow, your neck just knotted up like crazy. Relax, honey. Just let your mind go blank."

He worked on her neck some more and then moved to her scalp. She sighed and gave a little moan of pleasure.

"That's right, sweetheart. Just like that," he whispered. He pressed a kiss right below her ear and she shuddered. He licked and nipped the spot, one oil-covered hand trailing down to squeeze her bottom firmly. She turned her head to look at him and he lowered himself to nibble at her lower lip, his tongue quickly darting in and out between her lips. He was watching her carefully to see how she reacted to his advances. She turned over and pulled him to her, needing to feel his weight on top of her. He kissed her urgently, passionately, and she returned the kiss, wanting to taste him. And then he placed his hand between her breasts and smiled at her tenderly.

"My wife, my heart. My beautiful and brave Kathryn. I love you more than I ever thought possible."

Kathryn swallowed hard and looked away from his eyes. Her Chakotay would never look at her like this. He didn't even bother to send her a subspace call to ask her how she was doing.

"Kathryn? You don't want this? It's all right if you don't. I didn't mean to turn this into more. Let me finish the massage."

"No, please, let me go shower."

She hurried off to the relative privacy of the bathroom, feeling terribly exposed. She hadn't taken any clothes into the bathroom with her, so she wrapped herself in a towel when she emerged, even though the sonic shower didn't necessitate the use of towels. Chakotay had put away the oil-covered towel and was under the covers, reading a padd. The candle was gone. He didn't look at her while she pulled on his shirt and her pajama pants. Slowly, she climbed into bed.

"Chakotay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for anything to happen. It wasn't my intention to...to..."

Chakotay set his padd down and looked at her.

"You don't like it when I tell you I love you. It makes you recoil. I saw your reaction just now. Why? What did I do wrong? You used to love me."

She couldn't look at him. The pain in his eyes and voice was too raw.

"You didn't do anything," she whispered.

"But what happened? Please, I don't understand. You're everything to me, you're my only family, you're my home, you're my heart. I didn't have anything at all until I came to Voyager and you made me your first officer. I pledged myself to you and I would have stayed by your side forever, even if you had never loved me. But you did love me. What happened? What went wrong?"

She shook her head, blinking back tears. Seven years had happened. The Borg, the Equinox, Kashyk, a holographic bartender, two beautiful and blonde Borg women, an Admiral Janeway from the future bearing bad tidings. Nothing had happened. The debriefings had ended and he was... off somewhere... while she was admiring herself in her new uniform with her father's rank bars pinned to the front, weighing her down. Chakotay gave a long and shuddering sigh.

"It's all right, Kathryn. You don't have to tell me unless you want to. I made a promise to you a long time ago that I would never push you, not when it came to us. I never told you that, did I? It was early in the voyage, the time I found two crewmembers kissing in the turbolift? Do you remember, when Kes had her false elogium?"

Kathryn nodded.

"You told me that it was inevitable that the crew would pair off and I asked if you would be pairing off too. I had my eye on you right from the beginning. I wanted to stake my claim, but you said you wanted to make it home before Mark gave you up for dead. I felt very sad for you when you said that. You weren't like me, with nothing but Voyager to your name. You still had hope that we would get home quickly and you had a life waiting for you in the Alpha Quadrant. You were going to have to give up on all of that if you ever wanted to find happiness out here and it was going to be painful and hard. And you were the only one who could come to that realization for yourself. I could have pushed you, told you to forget Mark, to accept that we weren't going to find a wormhole or another easy way home. But it would have been cruel and you needed to have that hope if you were going to inspire the crew and keep them following you. And I couldn't do that to you. All I could do was try to make your life a little easier out here. You did, though, you finally realized it for yourself and you came to me. But if now you need to step away, then I'll let you. I won't ever do anything that would burden you, not while you're trying to get us home. But I will always love you and I will always be here for you. Always."

Kathryn pressed her lips together and pushed her hands against her eyes to keep the tears in. She was angry and she was heartbroken. Was it true that Chakotay had just been waiting for her all along? But he hadn't been there—he had chased after Seven and left her alone.

"What do you want, Kathryn?"

She didn't know. She had stopped thinking in terms of her own personal needs the moment she destroyed the Array. Anything she did or liked had to be insignificant enough to leave room for Voyager. A book to read late at night, an occasional dinner with her first officer, a harmless flirtation with a hologram, a game of Velocity with Seven. Even the temptation of Kashyk had only been allowed because of how she could use and manipulate the man to benefit Voyager.

"I don't know, Chakotay. I don't remember what it's like to want anything anymore," she began, but the red alert sirens drowned her out.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

"Captain Janeway to the bridge. Commander Chakotay to the bridge."

They both jumped out of bed and scrambled to pull on their uniforms.

"We're on our way. Report, Harry!"

"A ship came out of nowhere. They're threatening-"

The comm signal was abruptly cut off and the ship rocked. Kathryn winced. That had been a direct hit. She froze as they walked through the living room and turned back in horror.

"The children!"

Chakotay grasped her elbow and turned her back, making her follow him to the door.

"Someone will be here any minute. Mort, they're sleeping in their rooms."

Mortimer Harren had entered without even ringing the chime and he nodded at Chakotay. The ship shuddered under another direct hit and Millie screamed. The baby began wailing, but Chakotay pulled her out of their quarters and into the turbolift without another look back.

"They'll be fine. Don't think about them anymore. The only way to keep them safe is to do your duty, Captain."

Chakotay was a lifeline, bringing her back from her panic. The use of her rank centered her and she nodded, focusing her attention on what was happening to her ship. She could feel the vibrations through her feet as Voyager attempted evasive maneuvers. They stepped onto the bridge and Kathryn took her seat, Harry rushing to his station. She listened to Tuvok's report and ordered him to return fire. Chakotay opened the center console and read out the information to Kathryn, pinpointing the other ship's weaknesses. The next shot made it through Voyager's shields. Harry listed the damage while Tuvok fired weapons to no effect. The other ship was better shielded and armed.

"Captain, there's a gas giant up ahead. I think I can hide Voyager in its atmosphere."

"Do it, Tom!"

The ploy worked for several hours. They were able to do some hurried repairs and scan for other hiding places before the ship found them again. Tuvok had identified it as a pirate ship. A friendly species they had traded with several months ago had warned them about pirates and they had adjusted their course to avoid them. Either the friendly species wasn't actually so friendly or the pirates had increased their range. More fire was exchanged as Voyager fled to the safety of a moon's inner orbit. The warp core had been damaged. B'Elanna was only able to get them impulse and Kathryn hatched a desperate plan. The next time the pirate ship ferreted them out, they headed for the system's asteroid belt. Voyager's only advantage was her maneuverability. The larger ship attempted to follow them through the twisting path Tom charted through the asteroids. He avoided one asteroid just in the nick of time, but the other ship wasn't so lucky. The collision weakened the shields enough to allow a photon torpedo through. Kathryn hadn't wanted to destroy the ship, but they had given her no choice.

Voyager had already been weakened before the encounter and now the situation was much worse. Tom returned Voyager to the gas giant's atmosphere and they took stock of their situation. The deuterium tanks had been damaged. What little they had had before the attack was almost all gone. Without the deuterium, it wouldn't matter if B'Elanna managed to repair the warp core—Voyager wouldn't be able to go to warp.

Tal Celes entered the briefing room as the senior staff debated what to do. She carried Teddy with her and he bounced up and down in her arms desperately as soon as he saw Kathryn. She latched him on while continuing the meeting. There was only one option that made any sense. Three different teams would leave in the Delta Flyer and the two working shuttles to search for deuterium. Who knew how long they would have to search—Voyager had already been searching for so long without any success. There was also the threat of more pirates lurking in the vicinity. Voyager would remain within the safety of the gas giant's atmosphere for as long as possible. Eventually, they would have to land the ship on one of the gas giant's moon and there they would remain, unless a team returned with deuterium. It was an L class moon and the best option in the entire system. Chakotay would lead the team on the Delta Flyer. He paused at Kathryn's chair and squeezed her shoulder, then quickly patted Teddy's head. He left without looking back.

Kathryn's best estimate was three weeks before Voyager would have to land. She instituted severe rationing and energy conservation measures while the repair crews did the best they could. She also scanned and studied the moon in an attempt to find the most hospitable area for them to settle. If none of the teams were successful, they had to prepare for the possibility of spending the rest of their lives on that icy moon. All thoughts of ablative generators and stealing transwarp coils were gone now.

Kathryn and the children slept in the mess hall at night. Most decks and crew quarters had been sectioned off to preserve power. The children both squeezed into her cot with her. Teddy didn't understand what was happening, but the disruption of his routine and the heightened tension had taken away much of his innate happiness. He began nursing more often for comfort throughout the night and Kathryn let him. She didn't know how else to soothe him and she found that the connection comforted her, too. Millie had been through shipwide crises before. She went along with whoever was caring for her during the day, looked after her Teddy Bear, and clung to Kathryn whenever she could. She stopped talking at the top of her lungs and she began sucking her thumb.

During the day, Kathryn was able to follow Chakotay's advice. She focused on her duty and didn't think about her family. At night, with Teddy at her breast and Millie pressed against her back, she was tormented. They hadn't heard from the shuttles in two weeks. What if the the three teams were lost? What if Chakotay never returned to her? What could she do to maximize the survival of her people on that icy moon? She didn't dare send out a general distress call for fear only more pirates would respond to the call, but she begged for Q to return when she went to the bathroom, the only place where she had any privacy. He never came. B'Elanna was going through the same kind of hell because Tom was piloting the Delta Flyer. Kathryn went to consult with her in engineering one day and watched her shout orders from her position at a console while Miral nursed from a sling across her chest. Kathryn took over the repair B'Elanna was attempting to finish and forced her to sit for a few minutes and eat a ration pack.

"You've got to eat for Miral's sake. Now, tell me about the warp core."

"I've jury-rigged it well enough for a little bit, but without deuterium it doesn't do us any good. We're dead in the water and that's that."

It was Kathryn's worst nightmare come to life, but she had to attempt to instill some hope in B'Elanna.

"We've still got our three teams out there. Chakotay, Harry, and Seven are all determined and they'll find the deuterium."

B'Elanna shrugged and kissed Miral's head.

"Yeah, I guess. Tom got us off that planet where the Kazon stranded us. Anything's possible. You hear that, Miral? Anything is possible."

But Kathryn didn't believe it. What a terrible mistake the Kathryn of this timeline had made. She had loved Chakotay and look what the results had been. Not only were they still in the Delta Quadrant and almost grounded, but Millie and Teddy had been brought into this mess. She shouldn't have done it. It was a mistake. They were home in her timeline because she hadn't loved Chakotay.

No, she wasn't being honest or correct. In her cot, with Chakotay's children huddled against her, she couldn't lie to herself anymore. She _had_ loved him, she had just never admitted it to herself or to him and she wasn't the one who had gotten them home. It had been the Admiral who brought them home—the Admiral who had never admitted her feelings to her Chakotay. Instead, she had watched Chakotay marry Seven, maybe she had even performed the ceremony. She had loved him, even though she never told him. Kathryn had seen it in the Admiral's eyes every time she looked at him or talked to him for the small amount of time the older woman had been on Voyager. She had lost so much despite her self-denial—Chakotay and Seven and Tuvok and twenty-two others. And she had never forgiven herself. But in this timeline, where Kathryn and Chakotay loved each other openly there had been no Admiral to bring Voyager home. Maybe because they were all going to die on the icy moon or maybe because the Kathryn in this timeline wasn't letting life pass her by and she hadn't made the Admiral's mistakes. There would be no need for her to go back in time and correct her errors. Even if she lost Chakotay, it would be an honest grief—not the agony of unspoken words or what-might-have-beens.

Kathryn worked with Tuvok to prepare for creating a settlement on the moon. She toured the ship's inventory of survival equipment with Chell—Neelix was on one of the shuttles—and used the few energy reserves to replicate the essentials they didn't have on hand. Through it all, she felt an odd lightness. She had every confidence in her ability to lead her people on the moon. She had done the same with much less when the Kazon stranded them on Hanon IV, after all, and she knew her people would rise to the occasion. But she had also admitted her feelings to herself. She loved Chakotay, she had loved him since New Earth, she had wanted him, and she had been angry with him ever since the return to the Alpha Quadrant because he hadn't been there for the taking and had, in fact, turned his back on her. It was as simple as that and it was a relief to admit it. The counselor had been right—it was freeing to be honest with herself.

On the last day of the third week, Kathryn sat in her chair on the bridge with perfect composure and gave the order to land on the moon. Her people were looking to her for reassurance and she was able to give it to them. Somehow, she was stronger now and she led them as they began to build temporary structures in the clearing she had chosen. It was a good area—lots of trees, abundant minerals for future mining and industry, warm enough that the nearby river flowed freely. It would be a good place to begin a colony if the teams were unsuccessful, but a week later Chakotay returned and he brought friends with him.

The Delta Flyer had run into the pirates, but another ship came to their rescue. The Tiggi were attempting to set up a trade federation and the pirates were bad for business. They had been sending out regular patrols to get them out of the area and had come across the Delta Flyer just in the nick of time. Chakotay had negotiated with the Tiggi. In exchange for their maps and information about the people and resources they had met along the way, the Tiggi would give Voyager the deuterium they so desperately needed. The information would be invaluable insider information for the fledgling trade federation and the Tiggi also agreed to search for Voyager's two other shuttles. There was no time or privacy for a reunion, but Kathryn drank in the sight of Chakotay.

Seven's shuttle returned just as B'Elanna finished repairing the warp core and Harry's shuttle made it back on the day they lifted off from the moon. Two Tiggi ships would escort them for several light years and Voyager was in better shape than she had been in a long time. That night, Kathryn and Chakotay entered their quarters together, a complete family for the first time in a month and a half. Millie refused to get into her own bed, clinging to Chakotay desperately.

"All right, baby. Let's all get into bed together. There will be plenty of other nights when you can sleep in your own bed."

He carried Millie into the master bedroom and she climbed into the middle of the bed. Kathryn laid down with Teddy and Chakotay settled in with a sigh of contentment.

"Would you like me to read you your book, Millie?" Kathryn asked.

"No, I want a story from Daddy. Tell me about when I was born and then about when Teddy was born."

"I should have known. Those are your favorites. Well, it was a month before you were due to be born and we had never had the chance to go on a honeymoon. There was a little surveying mission that needed to be done with a shuttle and we decided that it would be the perfect opportunity to get away for a day or two. We were on the shuttle when—"

"No! You have to tell about the talent show! Don't forget all the good parts!"

Teddy pulled away from Kathryn's breast and popped his head up at Millie's loud exclamation. It was good to hear her speaking up again instead of watching her withdraw into herself. Kathryn stroked Teddy's soft hair and waited for Chakotay to continue, thoroughly engrossed in listening to how Millie had come into their lives.

"Right, the talent show. The night before we left, Neelix hosted Voyager's very first talent show. Your mommy wanted to perform a ballet, but she couldn't balance herself anymore."

"Because of me! I made her too big. So did Teddy."

"That's right. But you both also made her even more beautiful than she already was." He smiled to himself. "She couldn't dance the ballet, but your silly mother danced an Irish jig. It tired her out, so when we got on the shuttle, I told her to rest while I piloted the shuttle."

"And then you crashed it!"

"I crashed it. Your mother was hurt and I carried her out of the shuttle and tried to take care of her until Voyager found us. The Doctor came down on another shuttle and he had to do a Caesarean section to get you out because none of the transporters would work. You were so tiny, but you were perfect. I held you under my shirt to keep you warm while the Doctor took care of your mother."

"But you didn't say anything about the bad alien! He was trying to trick Mommy so she would die and he would get her energy and my energy, but you told her to keep fighting and she heard you and she listened to you and she stayed alive! You saved us!"

"I don't like to think about that alien. He almost took both of you away from me. I'm just glad your mother is a fighter. She fought that alien. She never quits fighting, no matter how bad the situation is. Just like the last month. I know it was a scary time for you, but your mother was taking care of everything. Even if I hadn't made it back with the Tiggi, you would have been fine on that moon. Your mother was doing a good job of setting up a new home for you. She will always find a way to take care of you, even if I'm not there. And the same goes for everyone else on this ship. If your mother can't take care of you, then everyone else on this ship will. We all take care of each other because we're all one big family and we love each other."

Millie gave out a little sob. "I was scared, but I was brave. I took care of Teddy when he was crying, but I wanted you and Mommy."

"I know, sweetheart, I know."

Chakotay pulled her into his arms and Kathryn saw him brush at his eyes. She surreptitiously rubbed her own eyes.

"Tell about Teddy now," Millie demanded in a tremulous voice.

"But you were there. Don't you want to tell it?"

"No, you!"

"All right. Well, after Mommy went to help the Borg and came back to Voyager, we knew that we were very fortunate to all be together again, but we felt that there was somebody missing from our family. We decided we needed another baby and pretty soon the Doctor told us we were going to have our Teddy. Tuvok put his foot down and said no more shuttle trips or away missions until after Teddy was born. I put my foot down, too, and your mother couldn't fight us both, so she had to stay on the ship and do the paperwork while I went on all of the away missions. That's supposed to be the first officer's job anyway—to keep the captain safe on the ship while he goes on the dangerous missions."

"And Aunt B'Elanna, too!"

"That's right. Tom put his foot down, too, and Lieutenant Carey went on all of the away missions for her. We already loved Teddy and Miral so much. We didn't want to lose them the way we almost lost you and your mother."

"I helped Mommy. I rubbed her feet and I told Teddy stories."

"Yes, you were a good helper. Well, it was very scary when you were born and your mother wasn't even awake to see you come out, so this time we decided to have Teddy be born in our quarters where it was quiet and safe and we could enjoy welcoming him into the world."

"Teddy was gross, but Mommy said he was beautiful."

"He was beautiful. He was so chubby and wide awake. He recognized our voices and looked at us and then he started nursing right away. He was our cuddly little bear."

Teddy had fallen asleep and they all admired him. Chakotay rubbed Millie's back until she fell asleep and then he carefully slipped out of the bed. Kathryn followed him into the living room. He pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her hair. This was their first moment of privacy since the evening of the attack.

"I missed you so much, sweetheart," he whispered. "I thought our luck had run out this time. I was afraid I'd never be able to tell you again how much I love you. You're my life and I can't live without you. But I meant what I told Millie. You were doing a fine job of creating a new settlement. You would have been fine, even if I hadn't made it back. "

She looked up at him, still in his arms. She was in Chakotay's arms. Her Chakotay, who was looking at her with so much love in his eyes she could barely breathe. She had thought he was lost to her forever, but she had been given a new chance and she was going to be brave and take it.

"I need to tell you something." She swallowed hard. "I love you. I've always loved you. You asked me what I wanted just before the attack. I want you. I need to love you, Chakotay. I need to show you how much I love you."

The children were asleep in their bed, so they settled on the couch. Kathryn undressed Chakotay and ran her fingertips and then her lips and tongue over every inch of him, wanting to learn him and map him. When he couldn't stand it any longer, he pulled her clothes off and used his tongue and fingers to bring her to ecstasy. He settled himself in the cradle of her legs, surveying her with satisfaction. She placed her hand over his heart and looked into his eyes.

"I love you, Chakotay. You're my heart and my center and I was lost without you."

He whispered her name as he sank into her and they made love quietly and tenderly. They were affirming their love and the connection between them. He was hers and she was his. This was the way it should always have been.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry for the long wait and thanks again to PiOneOneZero. Almost done...

The Tiggi left them eventually and B'Elanna's team was finally able to begin putting together the ablative generator technology. Life settled into normalcy once more and Kathryn felt at peace for the first time in years. Being honest with herself and finally being able to act on her feelings for Chakotay had made all the difference.

She began planning the next steps of her plan to get home. Even with the new technology, stealing a Borg transwarp coil was going to be risky and she wanted to be prepared for every eventuality. She was planning at her desk one evening when Chakotay came out of the bedroom, pulling on his uniform jacket.

"Kathryn, I'm going to go to Astrometrics. You'll never believe what Seven has just found. It's going to make Neelix a very jubilant Talaxian."

"Oh no. You've got to be kidding me."

"I wish I were, but it's all true. A planet with leola root as far as the eye can see. Lots of other foodstuffs too."

"Well, let me know the details."

"I want to go with you, Daddy! Can I go? I want to look at the scans in Astrometrics."

"All right, you can come. We'll see you in a little bit."

Teddy watched them go without protest. Tuvok had given him a ball to play with at school today and he was still engrossed with it. He brought it to Kathryn and she rolled it across the length of the room. Teddy chuckled and ran after it, bringing it back to Kathryn. Babies certainly were easy to entertain at times. She rolled it again and this time it went under the couch. Teddy's jaw dropped and she laughed at his bemused expression. He screeched in dismay and turned to her.

"Mama. Ball!"

"It's under the couch. Try and get it yourself. It didn't roll very far."

"Mama, ball!"

He pointed and she nodded her head.

"Yes, now reach down and get it yourself. Try first and then I'll help you."

Teddy squatted down low, one chubby hand poking under the couch. He fished out a sock, a book, and a wine glass. It couldn't be the same one. It just couldn't, but Kathryn got up to check anyway, her blood turning to ice. She took the glass away from Teddy and pressed her hand against her mouth. It was the same glass Q had brought with him the night he appeared in her hotel room. She had drunk from it while he refilled it for her repeatedly. He had never shown himself since that morning in her ready room. Why would this glass appear now? How had it shown up? She swooped Teddy into her arms and hugged him to her chest protectively, ignoring his protests. He was getting big now, more independent than ever, but he still nursed with her every night, his brown eyes locked with hers as he stroked her cheek or clutched her uniform shirt.

"Let's go find Daddy and Millie. Let's see what they're up to."

He held her hand while they walked to the turbolift. She called out their destination and tapped her foot anxiously when the turbolift slowed to a stop to admit another passenger. It was Q. She grabbed her baby again and held him to her tightly as Q entered the turbolift and the door closed behind him, urgently tapping her comm badge.

"Intruder alert!" Of course, nothing happened. "What are you doing here? What do you want?"

Q smiled at her, but it wasn't his usual mocking smile.

"I just came to tell you that it's over. Almost four months. Not bad. I thought it would take you much longer, but you've always been a quick learner, haven't you?"

"No, Q. You have no right to go around interfering with people's lives like this. Just go away and leave us alone. Please. I'll beg, I'll do whatever is necessary."

Jean-Luc Picard had once begged Q to save the Enterprise from the Borg and it had worked. She wasn't above doing the same thing to save her family. But Q shook his head while Teddy wiggled and protested his confinement.

"Down, Mama, down."

"This was only a glimpse, Kathy. I was quite clear about that. I told you it was temporary."

"But you can do whatever you want. You can just leave us here."

"It doesn't work that way. It's only a glimpse and now it's served its purpose.

"Are you doing this to be cruel to me? Why?"

"No, I'm doing you a favor. I helped you learn something and now you can go back to your real life with your eyes wide open. Everything will be back to normal tomorrow and it will all be up to you. Have a good evening, Kathy."

He vanished with a flash of light and Teddy stopped whining, startled by the sudden brightness. She took a moment to regain her composure and they continued on to Astrometrics. Seven was helping Millie to display images of a planet on the display screen while Chakotay watched with a smile. Millie's face lit up and she waved enthusiastically.

"Hi. Mommy! Hi, Teddy Bear! Look at all of the leola root! I'm going to go help Neelix dig it up. Daddy said I can."

"Did he?"

Chakotay nodded. "I just gave the order to change course. It looks like we'll be able to gather a variety of produce and get some shore leave in, too. It's been months and I think we could all do with a break, especially after the attack."

"That's good."

She shivered and Chakotay frowned.

"Are you feeling all right?"

"I'm fine. I just...I missed you and Millie."

"Why don't we go to the mess hall and get some ice cream? We've got enough replicator rations again."

"Yes! I want vanilla with chocolate syrup! Teddy wants a little cone!"

Millie ran to the door and jumped up and down impatiently.

"Captain, there is a matter I would like to discuss with you before you leave. It won't take long."

She felt as if all the air was being squeezed out of her lungs. It might be a good idea to take a minute to herself, although she didn't know how she would be able to hold a conversation with Seven.

"Of course, Seven. Here, Chakotay, take Teddy."

She knelt down and kissed his chubby little cheek. Chakotay swept him up and placed him on his shoulders. Teddy screamed with delight and she watched Chakotay leave with the children, all three of them waving at her.

"Captain?"

"I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted." She turned to face Seven. "What did you need?"

"I had a … personal matter to discuss with you." Seven shifted position, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "Axum wishes for us to change our relationship from that of friends and colleagues to a more intimate association."

"I see. Well, you had a relationship like that in Unimatrix Zero. You already know you're compatible in that way."

"Yes, that is correct, but it is different here on Voyager. I have observed the romantic couplings onboard and have seen how some relationships end quickly while others are more enduring."

"What's your point, Seven? I don't mean to rude, but I need to go be with my family."

"Of course. I merely wanted to know if you believe it is possible for me to form a successful relationship. In my years on Voyager, I have observed how you and the Commander serve as role models in that capacity and I would like your advice on the matter."

"Role models?"

"Yes. Lieutenant Torres has told me more than once that she was only inspired to tell Lieutenant Paris of her feelings for him after seeing how you and the Commander were able to do so while still serving together. Billy Telfer has also expressed similar sentiments and Crewman Golwat has told me that she only decided to procreate after you did. She feels that you have been a better captain since you became a mother and that you have fostered an environment conducive not only to creating families, but also to living full lives, rather than merely focusing on the needs of the ship."

"Oh. Listen, Seven, I think you're a remarkable woman and capable of accomplishing anything you put your mind to. If you want to explore something more with Axum, then you should. It may not work out, but at least you'll know you tried. You don't want to look back at this point in your life and regret not having tried and wonder about what might have been."

"Thank you. I believe I will go speak to Axum. Have a good evening with your family."

She was a hypocrite to tell such things to Seven. She hadn't tried at all with Chakotay and she had attempted to hide from the regret of that decision for the past year. And now she would have to return to her empty life.

They were waiting for her in the mess hall. Teddy's ice cream cone was melting and he squealed and tried to hold it out of reach when Chakotay went after him with a napkin. Millie stood on her chair and hollered across the room to Neelix about their upcoming leola root expedition. Chakotay gave up on Teddy and brought Kathryn a bowl of coffee ice cream. He kissed her on the cheek absently as he set the bowl in front of her.

"Do you need anything else, sweetheart?" he asked.

"No, I have everything I need."

She hooked her ankle around Chakotay's under the table, trying to absorb as much of him as she could. They returned to their quarters once they were finished and Kathryn bathed Teddy first. The ice cream had wound up in his hair and he giggled and squealed as she washed it out. She dressed him in a blue footed sleeper and held him close, breathing in the scent of his thick dark hair. He really was a teddy bear, so cuddly and plump and comforting. Her baby. Millie bathed herself and climbed into her bed, clamoring for Kathryn. They read for a long time, Teddy nursing himself to sleep and then Millie dropped off. Kathryn ran her fingers through Millie's hair and traced her upturned nose. Finally, she carried Teddy to his crib and went to her bedroom.

Chakotay was sprawled out with a stack of padds next to him and a half sandwich for her. She pulled off her clothes and crawled next to Chakotay in only her tank top and panties.

"I'm already putting together the shore leave rotations. I'm going to ask B'Elanna and Tom if they want to trade babysitting. We might actually get an afternoon by ourselves. Here, eat your sandwich."

"I had ice cream. I'm not hungry, but thank you for thinking of me." She watched him frown and enter information into his padd, then shake his head and delete what he had just entered. "Chakotay, give me that padd."

"Hmm? Since when do you want to work on shore leave rotations?"

"Since never. I just want you to pay attention to me."

She dumped all of his padds onto the nightstand and set the plate with the sandwich on top. Chakotay grinned and pulled her against him, one hand moving under her tank top to stroke her stomach.

"You want some attention, huh? I've got plenty of attention to give."

"I want you to tell me a story. Tell me about our first night together. Tell me how it happened "

She still didn't know the details. It was one of those private things that didn't belong in the logs. All she knew was that it had to have happened on New Earth, most likely the night he told her his story and then held her hand. She had to know how they had gotten it right in this timeline.

"The best night of my life. Our turning point. All right. Well, Voyager came back for us and we went straight to the bridge. We were both dressed in our uniforms, your hair was back up in a bun, and you gave me orders as if the past three months had never happened. Neelix had a welcome party for us in the mess hall and I had to pretend to be perfectly happy when I was inwardly raging at the injustice of it all. As soon as the party was over, I went to my quarters to unpack and I got madder and madder at you. You had acted so serene at the party, so unaffected. You didn't even look at me."

So it hadn't happened on New Earth after all. Chakotay was almost laughing as he told the story because for him it had a happy ending, but not for Kathryn. She remembered that party all too well. She had felt cheated and angry at her crew and then guilty for feeling that way. She should be grateful that her crew wanted her back so much. They could have taken the opportunity to be rid of her forever—after all, she had stranded them in the Delta Quadrant—and instead, they had risked their lives to bring her back. They deserved nothing less than her devotion and full attention. There was no room for anything or anyone besides her people and her ship.

"My door chime rang and it was you. You were still in your full uniform with your hair up, but your eyes were enormous and you were clenching your jaw so tightly that my own jaw ached. I let you in and you just stared at me. I had promised myself I wouldn't push you and I would go along with whatever you decided, so I waited and you finally whispered it."

"I love you," Kathryn breathed. At that point in time, she hadn't admitted to herself that she loved him, but she had longed to go to him. In this timeline she had acted on that longing and she had realized her true feelings for Chakotay. And she had changed everything with that one simple decision.

"And once you told me that, all bets were off. I hadn't pushed you, but I wasn't going to let you get away. I carried you to my bed and we loved each other all night long. We made our Millie that night. I'll always be grateful that the Doctor didn't realize all the side effects of the Vidiian cure."

"Show me, tell me exactly what we did that first time."

"All right. I kissed you like this first. And then I pulled your hair down and I took off your uniform. And I touched you here." His fingertips traced her body and he sucked her neck. "And I kissed you here and I worked my way down, licking you all the way and you moaned just...like...that. Oh, Kathryn..."

She wouldn't let him put on any clothes afterward. She needed to run her fingers over his hot and smooth skin and press kisses to him everywhere she could reach. But eventually, he fell asleep. He looked so peaceful. She pulled on a robe and went to watch the children sleep. Her children, her babies. She kissed them and whispered her love to them. Back in her bedroom, she pressed up behind Chakotay, holding him to her, relishing in the heat he gave off. She stayed awake for a long time, but eventually her eyes grew heavy and she slept.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

_Sorry it took so long to get this finished. This last chapter drove me nuts. A big huge thanks to PiOneOneZero for betaing and cheerleading!_

The hotel restaurant was noisy and chaotic. Phoebe had arrived with her husband and daughter and Kathryn sat at a table with them and the Parises, Gretchen watching over her anxiously as she picked at her omelet. She had woken up an hour before in her hotel bedroom, completely alone and wearing her blue silk negligee, an empty wineglass tipped over on its side the only sign that Q had ever been there. She had gotten up and prepared herself for the day's festivities, her hands only shaking slightly when she picked up the glass and hurled it across the room.

Her mother sensed, just as she had all year long, that something wasn't quite right with Kathryn. Her table companions also sensed something amiss and tried to draw her into conversation, but she couldn't concentrate on them at all. Chakotay was several tables across from her, seated with his sister and the Ayalas. He had been put to rights by Q—dark hair without a single gray strand visible, a firm abdomen, and no welcoming smile for Kathryn, only smug smirks. He was once again the stranger she'd barely spoken to in almost a year, no longer her devoted husband. As she watched, the young server leaned against Chakotay's table and laughed heartily at something he said.

Kathryn pushed her plate away and propped her chin on her hand, openly staring at him. He felt her eyes on him and turned to glance at her. She didn't look away and his attention was drawn back to the server, but his eyes darted in Kathryn's direction. Soon, the server was distracted and glancing at Kathryn nervously. Pleased, Kathryn narrowed her eyes and glared at the server until she left in a hurry. Chakotay gave Kathryn a blank look and turned to talk to Mike Ayala, pointedly keeping his back to her no matter how persistently she stared.

"I don't know what's gotten into him this weekend. Or really, the past year." Kathryn turned to look at B'Elanna. She had also been watching Chakotay and she shook her head worriedly. "I told you yesterday, he's been lonely ever since Seven dumped him. He babysits Miral and works and goes to the gym. That's it. He hasn't dated anyone or shown any interest in anyone, but now he's suddenly acting like... like..."

"He's God's gift to every sweet young thing in San Francisco," Tom supplied.

"That's not like him," Kathryn murmured. Oh, she knew he'd had a few flings in the Delta Quadrant, but he had always been very discreet and had never flaunted his conquests. Even his short time with Seven had been kept quiet, for the most part. And it was also unlike him to withdraw from others; he had always enjoyed being part of the social life on Voyager. Kathryn suddenly felt ashamed of herself for being such a bad friend to Chakotay. He hadn't been very nice to her, but she should still have watched out for him. She hadn't and as a result, she didn't know anything about his life or why he was behaving in such an uncharacteristic way.

"Maybe he's trying to impress someone and that's why he's flirting with every breathing woman in sight," Tom continued. He winked at Kathryn and she shook her head, reaching out for Miral. Tom placed the baby in her arms and she hugged her close, but then sighed. Miral was small and compact like her mother, lacking Teddy's weight and chubby baby rolls. She longed for him and for Millie's loud, piercing voice. And she ached for Chakotay. She stood and handed the baby back to Tom, then made her way to Seven's table.

She chatted for a minute with Irene Hansen, Reg Barclay, and Icheb before asking Seven to speak with her privately. They moved to an empty table and Kathryn caught Chakotay watching them. He frowned and Kathryn turned to Seven, her heart twisting painfully. He looked so much like Teddy in that moment.

"I'm not quite sure how to explain this, Seven..."

"The most direct way is usually the most efficient, Admiral."

"All right. Well, last night I had an encounter with Q and he gave me reason to believe that a small group of Borg drones have managed to free themselves from the Collective because of the Unimatrix Zero mission. I don't know exactly where they might be, but they are most likely searching for Voyager."

Seven raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Drones. Perhaps one of them is..."

She didn't finish her sentence, but Kathryn nodded and spoke gently.

"I think there's a good chance Axum might be one of them. I may be wrong about all of this, but I hate to think of them alone out there, the way we were. I thought that it might be possible to contact Neelix and see if he could help track them down."

"Yes. If former Borg drones are searching for Voyager, they will be sending out certain signals. I can instruct Neelix to watch for those signals."

She stopped speaking and looked off into space. It was very unlike Seven to lapse into her own thoughts like that and Kathryn waited until she came back to herself.

"What is it, Seven? Does this upset you? As I told you, I may be wrong about this."

"But you may be right. They will need help—friends, allies, to know that they are not alone." Seven sighed. "And I would like very much to speak to Axum again. His memory is always with me. I have missed him. However, even if we do manage to find him and make contact with him, we will still be separated by many light years."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you missed him so much. You're right, you'll still be separated, but at least you might find some sort of closure, or who knows, maybe the two of you working together can find a way to get him here to Earth."

"Perhaps. I have always wondered what happened to him. At the very least, it would be satisfying to know that he managed to escape the Collective."

There was a new light in Seven's eyes and Kathryn could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she began planning how to find the Borg drones. Chakotay got up and headed back to the omelet bar with Ayala's son. He glanced at their table furtively, dropping his gaze as soon as he saw Kathryn watching him.

"Seven," she said slowly. "Is Axum the reason you ended your relationship with Chakotay?" Seven raised an eyebrow and focused her attention on Kathryn, not saying anything. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I was just surprised when you ended it. You know that wasn't what happened in the Admiral's timeline."

"It didn't happen in this timeline either. Chakotay is the one who chose to end the relationship."

Seven frowned and glared at Chakotay, who had been peeking at them again. Kathryn's mouth dropped open.

"Chakotay did? But I thought... everyone thought... he was acting as if... I don't understand."

Seven rolled her eyes.

"That is not surprising. You never spoke to Chakotay or me regarding our relationship."

"Well, why should I have? It wasn't my business what the two of you did together," she snapped, feeling gobsmacked. Seven's succinct statements had completely overturned her assumptions of the past year. She remembered how eager Chakotay had been to spend time with Seven, but how abruptly the relationship had ended. He had definitely been affected—withdrawn, quiet, shaken, but his reaction didn't make sense if he had chosen to break it off.

"I admire you and appreciate all you have done for me, Admiral, but I have lost my patience with you, as well as with Chakotay. You should have spoken about this months ago, instead of avoiding each other. Your methods of dealing with your feelings are painful and inefficient and hampered the emotional development of the majority of Voyager's crew. Many have stated that they felt uncomfortable pursuing permanent relationships because you chose not to do so."

"That's nonsense. I fully supported everyone's attempts to live full lives, as much as our situation allowed."

"But the crew followed your lead, as they always did on most matters. It was something I observed from my first moments after being severed from the Collective. Rather than imposing your will through assimilation, you led by example. You insisted that I be accepted as part of the crew and treated me as such. The crew eventually followed suit. You insisted on living a solitary life and the majority of the crew also followed suit."

"You're completely wrong. The crew-"

Seven interrupted, speaking firmly and deliberately. "It is a fact and I have the data to prove it. But I will share that with you at another time. Right now, I must tell you about Chakotay, since it is obvious neither of you will ever choose to act as emotionally responsible adults. He keeps a lock of your hair in his medicine bundle. I discovered it shortly after we disembarked from the ship. He was attempting to help me find my animal guide, but I wanted to know the meaning of each item in the bundle. He explained that he had used your hair to start a fire on the planet where the Kazon had stranded you. To him, it was a symbol of your devotion to the crew and the ship and a reminder of his promise to himself to bear your burdens. You were prepared to sacrifice everything—from something as inconsequential as your hair to your very life—to get the ship home and Chakotay had promised himself that he would always be there to ease your load without adding to it. I reminded Chakotay that with Voyager's arrival on Earth, his promise to you was at an end and that he could now discard the hair, but he would not do so."

Kathryn pressed her hand over her mouth, blinking rapidly and remembering Millie on Chakotay's lap braiding the lock of hair as he told her what it meant to him. She hadn't realized this was a commonality between both timelines. Oh, Chakotay—he had kept her hair in his medicine bundle all of these years. It was...oh, it was such a beautiful thing to do. Seven continued speaking, watching Kathryn closely.

"He admitted to me that he could not forget you, even though he had not been involved with you romantically and was unsure if you had ever reciprocated his feelings. He had attempted to use me as a way of moving on from you, but had failed and he apologized for having treated me in such a way. He is at an impasse and I believe you are as well, judging by the behaviors you have both exhibited yesterday and this morning. You must resolve this situation. Not only is it unhealthy, it is also tedious and frustrating for those of us who must watch you. My patience is at an end. I can assure you that if I ever manage to speak to Axum again, I will not waste our time by denying my feelings. You would do well to follow my example. Now, if you'll excuse me I must speak to Reginald Barclay and ask for his assistance to help me locate Axum."

Seven marched off without a backward glance. Well, she certainly hadn't lost her knack for putting her former captain in her place. Kathryn remained in her seat, shaken, and glanced desperately around the restaurant for—she didn't know what, something, anything, that would ground her. She caught Chakotay's eyes and this time their gazes locked. The smugness was completely gone from his expression; all he was showing her was the same loneliness she had felt every day for such a long time now, but in an instant it was gone. His face was wiped of emotion and he regarded her impassively, just as blankly as he had those last few months on Voyager, and during those moments in Q's glimpse when he had been so confounded by her behavior.

She got up from her chair and hurried out of the restaurant, desperate for some solitude. The ballroom that would be used for Miral's birthday celebration in the afternoon was empty and Kathryn slipped inside, deciding that she wanted to be somewhere where she wouldn't easily be found. The tables and chairs were set up and the balloons and streamers were already in place. Millie and Teddy would just love the balloons... no, they wouldn't. They only existed in her memories and her heart. She choked back a sob and sank to the floor.

Eventually, she sat up against the wall and wrapped her arms around her knees. Why had Q ripped away the protective numbness she'd shrouded herself in for the past year? She didn't know what to do with all of the feelings she was suddenly experiencing—her realization of her love for Chakotay, the anger toward him she still couldn't shake, grief for her lost children who had never really existed, not to mention Seven's startling revelations about the demise of her relationship with Chakotay.

The sound of people laughing and chattering as they made their way just outside the ballroom alerted her that the breakfast must have ended. A tour of the newly refitted Voyager was the next item on the agenda. Joining the group would mean pretending that she was fine while hiding her inner turmoil, something she refused to do. They would just have to muddle along without her and she congratulated herself for having hidden in the ballroom. No one would think to look for her here and she could have some peace and quiet until she pulled herself together.

The door slid open and before Kathryn could attempt to hide herself, Chakotay entered. He didn't see her at first and she was startled to notice that his smugness was gone. He just looked tired as he rubbed the back of his neck and glanced around the room, blinking in surprise when he noticed her huddled against the wall.

"Kathryn? What are you doing in here?" He came to her side, eyes sweeping over her and she looked up at him, trying to present a calm demeanor. "Are you all right?"

"Of course. I'm fine..." The words came automatically, as they had so many times before, but then Kathryn shook her head. "No, I'm not all right. I had a rough night. Q paid me a visit."

Chakotay immediately scowled and glanced around the room suspiciously, as if he expected Q to pop out from behind the balloon bouquets.

"What did he do? Where is he? I'll notify HQ."

"Don't bother. There's nothing anyone can do about him." Kathryn impulsively patted the floor next to her. "Have a seat and tell me what you're doing in here."

Chakotay regarded her for a moment before sitting down, carefully leaving a space between them and stretching his long legs out before him.

"I was just wanting a moment's peace and quiet."

He didn't seem inclined to provide any further details, frowning as he stared at the balloons. She thought about everything Seven, B'Elanna, and Tom had told her about him and wondered what was going on in that thick skull of his. He was as much of a mystery to her as any of the incomprehensible scientific marvels she'd found in the Delta Quadrant had been. Well, she was an explorer, wasn't she? It was time to figure him out, to blast through the impasse Seven found so offensive.

"Chakotay, why haven't you once called me? We used to be friends. What happened?"

There was more pain in her voice than she would have liked. Chakotay glanced at her briefly, impassively, before quietly responding, not successful enough at masking the pain in his own voice..

"I could ask the same about you. I know I was... distracted for a while. But you never called me either. Come on, you know I would have wanted to be at your promotion ceremony and I would have wanted to say goodbye to you. You were my closest friend and I thought I was yours. After what we went through together—seven _years_ —how could you just leave like that? Like I never meant..." He cut himself off and shook his head, glancing down at his shoes.

"You can't put the blame on me. This started before we got home, Chakotay. You wouldn't spend time with me. That's why I never called you. I was tired of adding rain checks to my collection. I know now you were busy with Seven, but that's no excuse. Friends should make time for each other, especially when momentous events occur. There was so much happening—meeting the Admiral, getting home, giving up Voyager, losing my crew—and I was all alone. No one to talk to who truly understood it all."

He shrugged and kept staring at his shoes. "It goes both ways, Kathryn. Did it ever occur to you that losing Voyager was just as hard for me? Maybe even worse than it was for you? Voyager was all I had, my only home, my life. It's been a hard year, having to start over again, prove myself to Starfleet, and I had to do it all alone while taking care of the crew, since you left Earth almost as soon as the debriefings were over."

"Oh, Chakotay, I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling stricken. The Chakotay of her glimpse had often mentioned how much she, their family, and Voyager meant to him. Of course he would be taking the loss of Voyager so much harder in this reality where he didn't have the support of a wife and family. But he wouldn't look at her or respond to her heartfelt apology, so after a moment, Kathryn continued, determined to get him to talk. "I just had a fascinating conversation with Seven. She told me about the lock of hair you keep in your medicine bundle."

"I'm surprised she kept it quiet this long. She's been insisting I talk to you about it ever since we broke up."

"Well, why didn't you?"

"I didn't think you'd care."

The flat monotone and blank face were hiding raw vulnerability. He was trying to keep his eyes away from her, but she caught the quick glance directed at her before he resumed staring at his shoes.

"Of course I care. You've kept my hair in your medicine bundle all of these years. It's the most beautiful, most romantic gesture I've ever heard of."

He still wouldn't look at her and she sighed.

"You have to understand, Chakotay, it was my decision to strand them out there. I wouldn't have blamed them if they'd tried to mutiny along with Seska and Jonas, but they didn't. They chose to follow me. They could have left us behind on New Earth, but instead they risked their lives and went to the Vidiians to get us a cure. They _believed_ in me. How could I have given them any less than my full devotion? It wouldn't have been right. That was why I didn't go to you the night we left New Earth, even though I wanted to, longed to. I love you, but you were the price I had to pay to get Voyager home."

 _And Millie and Teddy._ But only she would ever miss them. Chakotay was finally looking at her, showing her his pain and anger.

"Do you think that's supposed to make me feel better, to be told that I was the price you had to pay to get Voyager home? Just what do you think I would have done that would have prevented you from fulfilling your mission?"

"No, Chakotay, not you, me. It would have changed me, taken away my edge. I know. Q showed me last night."

And slowly, haltingly, she told Chakotay about the life that could have been if only she had made one little change on the night they left New Earth. She described Millie and Teddy and how their existence had spurred the creation of more families on Voyager while also being the reason they hadn't made it home yet, what it had been like to still be in the Delta Quadrant with the added burden of those precious, fragile children, her acceptance of her new life, and her fruitless pleas to Q to let her stay there with them. She left nothing out, detailing everything, including the lovemaking she'd shared with him and her realization of her feelings for him—the love, anger, regret, and sense of abandonment. As she talked, Chakotay's entire demeanor softened and he listened intently, hanging on every word she said. When she finished, he cleared his throat. They were still sitting on the floor, backs propped against the wall, but Chakotay scooted over, closing the distance between them. His hip pressed against hers and suddenly their hands were intertwined and she was stroking his big fingers while his eyes burned into hers.

"That was quite the experience, Kathryn. There's a lot to talk about, but first I need to tell you about Seven."

She clenched her jaw, but nodded her head, waiting for him to continue.

"It just happened. She asked me out and I was lonely. The things I told you in that glimpse about deciding to wait for you to come to me were true. I had decided a long time ago to never push you, not when you were under so much strain and pressure. But I never thought it would be so many years. I was so lonely and I began to think I was a fool for waiting, that you had never really felt anything other than friendship for me. Seven was forthright. I always knew where I stood with her and it was easy to be with her."

"Not like with me."

She couldn't look at him anymore and instead concentrated on the details of his thumb, gently rubbing a small callous and wondering if he had been woodworking again.

"No. You were never easy. But it was wrong with Seven. I couldn't stop my feelings for you just because I was with her and I had to end it. The Admiral came back to save her life, it wasn't right to ruin that life by saddling her with someone who didn't truly love her. It's you I love. I always have."

"You've been behaving like an idiot with that server. And the clerk at the check-in counter."

"I'm a little embarrassed by that," Chakotay admitted. She glanced at him and he smiled at her sheepishly. "I noticed that I had your attention when I flirted with those women."

"Not in a good way."

"I guess not. I'm not the best at dealing with women. I don't know if you've noticed." They both laughed and after a moment's silence, Chakotay questioned her. "What did they look like, Kathryn? The children, I mean. I wish I could have met them."

He shifted position so that Kathryn was nestled in his arms, her head tucked under his chin.

"Well, Millie looked a lot like my sister. Brown eyes like you, but long wavy dark brown hair like Phoebe. And the same nose with my freckles. She was very tender and precocious, outspoken. Not afraid to speak her mind. And Teddy looked just like you, thick dark hair and eyes and big dimples. He was independent and stubborn, but also cuddly and so sweet. A little bear cub."

She cleared her throat and blinked quickly. Chakotay leaned forward and she turned in his arms so that they were facing each other. Tenderly, he placed a hand on her cheek and their lips met in a sweet kiss that slowly deepened and became passionate. They were both breathing raggedly when they broke apart and rested their foreheads together. Chakotay stroked her cheek gently.

"My Kathryn," he whispered in the same tone of voice he had used when they had made love in Q's glimpse. "My beautiful, brave Kathryn. This is our beginning. We'll always be together from now on, won't we?"

"Yes, the way we always should have been. Because... because we're free to choose our own path. That's what Q wanted me to learn, wasn't it? The Admiral regretted her choices and she chose to change the past in order to fix her mistakes. In Q's glimpse, I chose to do what I wanted, to be with you, and I was satisfied, happy, even if we were still in the Delta Quadrant. But here, in this reality, I haven't chosen anything. I've been at a standstill, miserable, letting everything I ever wanted slip through my fingers. Being passive. Not anymore. I want you. I want a family with you. I want to grow old with you."

"Good," Chakotay said and kissed her again, so thoroughly that all powers of speech left her.

They didn't bother trying to hide the changed nature of their relationship when they rejoined the reunion, to the delight of their friends and family. The good-natured teasing and innuendo, the well-wishes, and the nods of approval from Seven and Tuvok all warmed Kathryn's heart enough that at one point she actually murmured a thank you to Q. And the bottle of wine waiting for them when they finally slipped away to her hotel room made her smile. Q had left a card next to the glasses with four words scrawled across it.

"I told you so? What's that supposed to mean?" Chakotay asked. He busily began unbuttoning Kathryn's blouse and she smiled at the hungry look in his eyes.

"Q told me I would thank him for his gift of that glimpse. He was right. He's going to be more insufferable than ever now."

"It's a small price to pay for making us come to our senses." Chakotay finished unbuttoning the blouse, but before pulling it off, he smiled and placed his hand over her heart. "My beautiful Kathryn, I love you and I'm going to spend the rest of my life making sure you never doubt it."

She pulled him to her eagerly. A whole new path waited for them, unknown dangers and joys ahead that they would face together.

The End


End file.
